I just finished a Psychology Today article from their August 2024 magazine that I wanted to share because it reminded me of an argument that I was involved in earlier this week. The article is all about examining the reasons that we attribute to the behavior of others…in other words, “Why did s/he do that?” We can attribute the behavior of others to personal traits and characteristics (internal attributions) or to the context of a given situation (external attributions). We actually do this all the time. Someone is rude, so we either assume that they are just a jerk, or we assume that they are tired from working too much. Someone cuts us off in traffic, so we assume that they are inconsiderate and have their head up their rear, or we assume that they are probably in a huge rush to get somewhere important. Take a moment and ask yourself what your assumption is most likely to be. If you’re like the rest of us, you’ll probably notice that it is much easier to make assumptions that attribute the causes of these behaviors to character deficits. In other words, our first assumption is, “They suck!”

We are generally much more likely to jump to the conclusion that there is something wrong with a person, rather than taking the context or external circumstances into consideration. This is called the “fundamental attribution error.” Making this common error isn’t actually a big deal when we’re dealing with a stranger in traffic or a stranger at the grocery store, but it can be a big deal when it happens in our close friendships or in romantic relationships. Regarding my argument that I referenced earlier: I was trying to look up directions for my wife about a quick road trip, so I stopped her to ask for some information before she went downstairs. She sounded impatient as she was giving me the information. While I was plugging that into my phone, I needed a little more information, but before I could ask, she asked if I needed anything else because she needed to get started with what she was doing in the basement. My interpretation was that she wasn’t interested in what I was trying to do to help her, so I snapped that I would just look everything up myself. When she asked again what else I needed, I snapped again that I would figure it out myself. I attributed her behavior as being rude while I was trying to help her with something. Later, I went to tell her that I thought she had been rude, and she informed me that she had no idea what I was trying to ask her about because I had never even told her that I was trying to look up the road trip information. She’s right…I just started asking seemingly random questions, but I didn’t tell her what I was trying to do. I recognize that I do this sometimes. I can fixate on solving a problem or figuring something out at weird times. I should’ve attributed her “impatience” as confusion since she didn’t really know why I was stopping her and asking questions.

When we attribute the cause of a behavior to an external or situational reason, we build empathy toward our partner. When we attribute the cause to a character deficit we create opportunities for conflict. Not only that, these attributions build over time, and this can create very negative perceptions about one’s partner. This article says that the fundamental attribution error hurts relationships through:

Erosion of trust–Viewing an action as neglectful or disinterest can build up over time and create a lack of stability in a relationship.
Poor conflict resolution–If partners see a problem as situational, they can empathize with one another. If they see problems as flaws in character, they’re more likely to be defensive and blame one another when they disagree.
Lack of satisfaction and stability–These negative assumptions about one another’s character leads to greater levels of dissatisfaction, while giving each other the benefit of the doubt leads to more satisfaction.
How we view personal growth–The ways in which our partners perceive us impacts how we see ourselves. Supporting each other encourages greater growth.

It is significantly easier for our brains to use the fundamental attribution error. So easy, in fact, that it becomes a habit. It takes work to undo this habit when people find themselves stuck, but if you’ve read this and it rings true, you owe it to your partner, your relationship, and (maybe most importantly) yourself to do the work. Start by practicing taking your partner’s perspective and seeing the world through their eyes. Speak openly without blame and avoid becoming defensive. Point out your partner’s positive attributes to them and show appreciation for these qualities. Forgive your partner when they make a mistake. Share your stories with your partner, and help them understand things that might trigger you.

When couples are stuck in a series of negative interactions, it is hard to break out of the pattern. A great book for couples is Hold Me Tight, by Sue Johnson. In the book, she talks about the dance of interactions that couples find themselves in. I have had many clients find comfort in the examples listed in the book because they realize that other people have the same problems too. Couples counseling is sometimes necessary for helping to get back to where they were before the negative cycles started, so if you need help with your relationship don’t be afraid to reach out.

I had a vaguely formed idea of what I wanted to write about today based on hearing some clients express feeling bored. There are a lot of people (especially in the teen to young adult age groups) who report that they aren’t particularly active, especially in the summer. In my unofficial, completely anecdotal experience, it tends to seem that more complaints of boredom correlate with an increased amount of time using a screen of some type (phone, tv, computer, tablet, etc). The interesting thing is that the whole day is often described as boring when a person spends that whole day on their screen. This shouldn’t make sense, right? They’re doing something that is supposed to entertain them. Kids often complain about being bored while also complaining that, “There’s nothing to do.” However, an article from Harvard Medical School** points out that we can be doing nothing (like watching a sunset) and not feel bored while we quietly sit. Another article from Psychology Today* suggests that boredom comes from doing things that are unfulfilling or not meaningful, and this might make all the difference when someone is describing feeling bored even though they’re being passively entertained throughout the day.

I tend to think that bored isn’t quite the right word for these individuals…at least not in the traditional sense. While doing an activity, people probably aren’t actually feeling bored, at least not until that activity reaches the point of not being stimulating and they decide to do something else. I think the described memory of, “It was boring yesterday” comes from feeling unfulfilled with whatever they were doing, but it may not be true boredom. An article from The Mayo Clinic suggests*** that the ease of electronic entertainment is actually causing a different problem because they prevent boredom. Maybe you read that and thought, “Is he just talking in circles?” This article points out that doing an activity uses a lot of brainpower. Afterward, the brain craves rest, which allows us to reflect and consolidate what we’ve learned. Have you noticed that many of our epiphany moments happen when we’re on autopilot, like in the shower? That’s because in these moments, our brains wander and start to look for solutions to problems or opportunities for creativity.

When we actually feel bored, it is typically perceived as an uncomfortable sensation* that causes us to want to get up and do something or reflect. However, it can also be a sensation that suggests a lack of awareness about what would actually be fulfilling. If that sounded harsh, just know that there are a lot of people who don’t really have hobbies or pursue interests. In fact, some people report to me that they have no idea what their interests are. Video games can be hobbies; however, I think there is a point where they change from a hobby to pass some time and just become an activity that consumes hours and hours of each day. I can say that I’ve never talked with an adult who spends a large chunk of their day gaming who finds it fulfilling.

What should we do about boredom, then? First of all, there may be some benefit to leaning in** to the feelings and see what there is to learn from them. I often remind clients that our feelings are gifts from our ancestors, and they are usually trying to serve a purpose. The Mayo Clinic has the following recommendations:

Balance activities with rest. I’d like to add that there should be a good amount of true rest, not just distracting ourselves with our phones
Try something new. You don’t have to make purchases and commit to a new hobby, just allow yourself to wonder what might be interesting, and then be courageous enough to check out something new
Get outdoors. Checking in with nature is great for our mental health and walking is an extremely underrated exercise.
Be kind and interact with others
Reminisce and practice gratitude

My takeaway from reading these articles is that boredom isn’t the problem. The problem is when we are filling our days with unfulfilling time wasters. This is especially relevant for kids because most kids will probably spend about as much time on an electronic device as they’re allowed to, and as I stated before, this isn’t very fulfilling. Allowing our kids and ourselves to experience boredom without the easy escape of an electronic can propel us into finding new interests and activities that can add meaning to our lives.

*https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/boredom

**https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/how-to-make-boredom-work-for-you

***https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/boost-your-brain-with-boredom