Today’s topic has been on my mind for a little while. For some young people the world feels inherently unfair. Often these are the kids who are wired a little differently than their peers because they’ve been through trauma or because they fit under the term neurodivergent* due to a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Learning Disorder (LD), Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), or any other diagnosis that impacts how their brain functions. I like this term neurodivergent because it automatically assumes that the majority of the population is neurotypical instead of “normal.” The words normal and typical are nuanced in their differences. Typical refers to what is more common. Normal can describe that too, but there is also a feeling of judgment associated with this word. Neurodivergent brains are less common, but they are no less valuable. They simply work a little differently.
Of course we’re all different. Among neurotypical brains there is still a lot of variability in terms of intelligence, communication skills, executive functioning, working memory, and mental manipulation of concepts. There’s also the variability that comes from different life experiences, upbringings, and even birth order. The term neurotypical doesn’t imply that the majority of people think the same. Instead it applies more to thinking about how our society is set up because neurotypical brains are who the systems within society are serving. The biggest system to impact children is the education system. This system has been created with the lofty goal of giving all of our children a foundation of literacy and knowledge as well as helping to develop their brains. For the majority of kids, it does exactly that. Then there are the kids who are wired just a little differently, and they often struggle within this and other systems. In school, they may not be able to focus well on subjects that they find boring, listening to lectures, or even following the teacher’s directions. They may struggle with socialization (and there will be other kids who see this and press these students’ buttons just to watch them blow up). They may struggle with emotional regulation and misinterpret seemingly mild situations as attacks. In turn, they may react quickly and severely before they have a chance to think. They may feel unsafe and spend a good portion of their school day in survival mode, not taking in what their teachers have to offer. As teens, they may ultimately feel beaten down and a lot of self-shame for never being able to get things just right.
School personnel have a unique opportunity to influence all children, not just the ones that fit the mold and go with the flow. Especially when it comes to neurodivergent kids, it is important to look** beyond the behavior. A great (now retired) teacher that I used to work with was fond of saying, “All behavior is communication.” When school staff understand this, they can avoid taking behavior personal and see that kids frequently use angry outbursts as a way of expressing pain, frustration, and fear. The Child Mind Institute recommends the following** as a way of helping ALL students: Visual supports/directions, starting the day with mindful moments, relaxation areas and safe people for when kids are overwhelmed, frequent breaks, preferential seating, and sensory aids. Schools can also help these kids get organized and assist them in learning to socialize with their peers. Nonetheless, I think the biggest thing that school staff can do is remember that their entire school is probably set up in a way that is most helpful in ensuring the success of neurotypical kids. This probably isn’t done with bad intentions, but often it’s the kids who require the least support that actually end up feeling the most supported.
Adults should also be mindful that no one really wants to be seen as the “bad kid.” I’ve known a lot of kids with a lot of pain who are absolutely unwilling to let anyone else hurt them. A good way of ensuring this is to seem unapproachable so that people keep their distance. This strategy originates in survival. What they don’t realize is that healing happens through connections. When kids that struggle but find success later in life, they usually look back and share that there was at least one person who made a difference in their lives through caring and connection.
Parents* must learn to come to terms with having a neurodivergent child. Saying this is one thing, but letting go of expectations of how parenting was “supposed to be” and accepting their child for who he or she actually is makes a difference. Our children pick up on many things, and unfortunately, they tend to be very good at blaming and shaming themselves for problems within the family. In extreme cases, they can view themselves as a disappointment or unloved. There is a nice little essay*** called “Welcome to Holland,” which helps parents think about the life with children they’ve planned but receiving a life that is a different. This story asks people to imagine that they’ve been planning a trip to Italy, but the plan lands in Holland. The point of the story is that if we focus on not being where we thought we were going to be, we may have no choice but to feel disappointed. If, instead, we embrace our new destination we can find plenty of joy.
The kids that don’t quite fit tend to already know that they don’t fit. This can feel lonely, frustrating, and depressing. These kids need to know from the adults in their lives that they are unique, valuable, and loved. Some people will have a hard time doing this, so I want to urge you, if this blog made you think of a child in your life, wrap that child up in love.
*https://www.verywellmind.com/what-to-know-about-raising-neurodivergent-kids-5666990
**https://childmind.org/article/how-schools-can-support-neurodiverse-students/
***https://www.dsasc.ca/uploads/8/5/3/9/8539131/welcome_to_holland.pdf