I was recently reading Atlas of the Heart, by Brene Brown. It’s a great book, by the way, and I highly recommend it. This book is all about defining different emotions because Brene argues that we severely limit ourselves when we water down our emotional experiences by combining nuanced emotions and calling them sad, angry, happy, etc. This is more than a book of definitions, though. It is incredibly deep but also easy to understand, which seems to be true about all of Brene’s work. One of the distinctions that she made, which I have to admit I’ve been getting wrong, is the difference between shame and guilt. Often I’ve thought of these as very similar, but the truth is they aren’t.

Guilt and shame*** do have things in common. They are both linked with emotions like disgust, embarrassment, humiliation, regret, remorse, and feeling self-conscious. However, just like all of these other emotions are different and distinct, so are shame and guilt. Brene* says that guilt can be adaptive because it causes us to feel bad about something that we have done that is not aligned with our values. For example, if honesty is important to me but I lie to someone that I love, I’m going to feel guilty. This is going to be uncomfortable. These feelings will make me want to make things right and be honest in the future. Guilt says, “I did something bad.” Shame, on the other hand, is not adaptive. Shame is when I feel that I am flawed or broken…that something is deeply wrong with me. Shame doesn’t say, “I did something bad.” Shame says, “I am bad.” Brene states*, “Shame and fear are almost always driving…unethical behavior. We’re now seeing that shame often fuels narcissistic behavior. In fact, I define narcissism as the shame-based fear of being ordinary.” Shame isn’t just maladaptive. It makes us dangerous. Shame thrives in the dark and drives wedges between us and others in our lives. Connection and empathy are what heals shame. This doesn’t mean we don’t hold others accountable. It means that we show empathy* while we help others take responsibility for their actions. If we shame them further we just drive the wedge between us deeper.

A Psychology Today article** takes this last point a few steps further. The author agrees that many who exhibit narcissistic behavior have crippling feelings of shame, but they may not be able to actually feel much guilt about their actions. To feel guilt, we must have the ability to see others as “distinct individuals,” and people who are very narcissistic may not have the ability to feel genuine concern for others or understand how they feel. Imagine the level of shame and self-loathing required to lose this ability.

Four different types of shame are identified in a PsychCentral** article:

Unrequited love: perhaps caused by family neglect
Exclusion: social ostracization (for example, at school)
Unwanted exposure: public humiliation
Disappointed expectation: failure

Our words are powerful, both the ones that we use with others and the ones we use with ourselves. I don’t believe that we start self-shaming without help. I think that we can often look at our childhoods to see where feelings of shame might have started. This isn’t always because of evil, abusive people, but it does show the responsibility that adults have in their language with children. If a child hears, “you made a bad choice,” they understand that they did something that they weren’t supposed to do. However, if a child’s interpretation is, “I’m bad,” they will start to feel shame. We must be careful in how we speak to the children we live with, work with, or interact with. I also think that it is important to work on our own feelings of shame in order to not pass them down to the next generation. Self-compassion, along with the courage to share our feelings of shame with trusted loved ones can help people deal with feelings of shame. Check out this website https://self-compassion.org/ for a self-compassion assessment to see if there are any specific areas in your life that need work. If feelings of shame run deep, consider speaking with a counselor in order to find a safe place to bring these feelings into the light, where they can finally start to wither.

*Atlas of the Heart, by Brene Brown

**https://psychcentral.com/health/guilt-vs-shame

***https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/shame/201305/the-difference-between-guilt-and-shame

I really enjoyed speaking with my partners about their favorite books. When someone reads something that creates an “aha!” moment for them, they become very enthusiastic as they share the information with others. I love books, and I always have. I enjoy learning something new from an area that I’m curious about, and then I love diving into a fiction novel that piques my interest. In between, I’ll usually check out a few comics as well. A love for reading is one of the best gifts that my parents gave me. I love reviewing books for this blog, as well as making recommendations. Here is a list of books that I highly recommend in the area of self help/personal growth:

Mindset, by Carol Dweck. In this book, the author argues that there are two types of mindsets: fixed and growth. Those with a fixed mindset believe in natural talent and that people are either good at things or they aren’t. Those with a growth mindset see themselves as a constant work in progress. They assume that they can become better and even great at anything with enough practice. They further believe that there is always another level of skill and ability to be reached regardless of how skilled they may already be. A key finding of her research is that the best of the best typically weren’t the ones born with the most talent. Instead, they were the ones who kept pushing themselves.
Grit, by Angela Duckworth. This book frequently references Carol Dweck’s research, and Dweck’s references Duckworth’s, which is why I read these books back to back several years ago. They are similar in that both focus on cultivating excellence through dedicated practice. Grit is the ability to dig deep within ourselves to find what we need to push ourselves to accomplish great things.
Think Again, by Adam Grant. This is one of the most recent books that I’ve read, and I loved it. It is all about how necessary it is to open ourselves to the idea of changing our minds, and that it isn’t a bad thing to be wrong. This process is often hard for people to do, and it is natural to fight against this by surrounding ourselves w/ people that agree with us. It is also tempting look for information that confirms what we already believe. Unfortunately, never allowing ourselves to reconsider our beliefs and ideas limits us. Adam encourages people to test their ideas and adjust them as necessary throughout their lives. Finding out we were wrong about something means that we are learning and growing. I’m looking forward to checking out some of his other books.
Platonic, by Marisa Franco, and We Need to Hang Out, by Billy Baker. These books are very similar because they both concentrate on helping adults build friendships. This is hard for most adults–much harder than when we were kids. We Need to Hang Out is written about Baker’s journey to learn about and work on building friendships. Franco is a researcher who brings her own expertise and experiences into her book and shows us what a wide variety of research says about the importance of making and keeping friends. She then goes in to how to make this happen.
Man’s Search for Meaning, by Viktor Frankl. The author understands difficult situations more than most because he was a prisoner and survivor of a Nazi concentration camp. He discovered a core truth during his imprisonment that regardless of what his captors did to him, they could never take away his ability to choose his reaction. That small speck of freedom bloomed into an understanding that he could survive nearly anything as long as he clung to the concept that his life held meaning. This is a fascinating and inspiring story that I place high on my “must read” list.
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, by Stephen Covey. This is an older book, and in the world of self-help or growth, older theories are often discarded. However, this book is all about asking yourself what is important to you. In figuring out what you value, it then focuses on helping the reader learn to intentionally make choices that honor those values. This book doesn’t direct the reader about what they should do to live a fulfilling life. Instead, it asks the reader to discover what would be fulfilling to them and then make their choices.
Sex Talks, by Vanessa Marin. This book is free from judgment and acknowledges that sex is much different than what is portrayed in pop culture. Marin doesn’t talk about techniques or how frequently people should be having sex. Her whole book is about letting go of the fairy tale that we are told about what sex should be, and talking with our partner about what would make sex mutually satisfying and enjoyable.

Bonus round:

Great books for understanding trauma: The Body Keeps the Score, by Bessel Van Der Kolk, The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog, by Bruce Perry, The Deepest Well, by Nadine Burke Harris, and Help for Billy, by Heather Forbes

Other:Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, by Lindsay Gibson, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***, by Mark Manson, The Upward Spiral, by Alex Korb, and (like Natasha said) ANYTHING by Brene Brown–she’s a rockstar! Brene has an honesty in her writing that makes her books so much deeper and so relatable.

This has been the last in our series of book recommendations. I hope you’ve found some of our suggestions appealing. The library should be able to get any of the books that we’ve recommended, so please remember that you don’t actually have to spend a dime to get access to these great resources. Happy reading, everyone!