Sometimes these blog topics come from things that I see people struggling with, and other times it’s simply because a random thought causes me to feel curious. This week is the latter. I found myself wondering about how people end up with a physical attractiveness “type” and how we become attracted to others. Certain people seem to be seen almost universally as physically attractive, but even so, some people will still say, “Nah, s(he) is too _____ for me.” Sometimes we can find ourselves very drawn to someone until we learn or see something about them that overpowers that attraction. In my home, we’re currently watching Nobody Wants This, and they called this phenomenon, “the ick.” I initially thought this sounded pretty shallow, but when I thought more about this later I realized I’ve had this happen too because “the ick” doesn’t just occur within romantic relationships. Even friendships can start to go sideways because we see a side of someone that we realize we can’t stand. When I started looking up articles about this topic today they all referred to different types of attraction. This tracks with what I’d already been thinking about friendships. We’re drawn to different people in different ways, and not all of these ways are based on romantic interest.

I don’t think there is complete consensus on this idea of types of attraction. Most likely there have been multiple research studies done using similar (but not exactly the same) criteria of attraction types. Psychology.org lists the following* attraction types:

Physical attraction–which is how good-looking we find someone to be. It’s often associated with a desire for physical contact, and this is generally the first type of attraction we experience with others.
Emotional attraction–this deeper level of attraction may or may not include physical contact, but it refers to emotional connection and vulnerability.
Intellectual attraction–with this we’re drawn to another’s intelligence and want to engage with them through conversations that feel stimulating.
Social attraction–this is when someone is attractive because of how they fit in and engage socially within groups.
Aesthetic attraction–appreciation of someone’s physical appearance or beauty without necessarily having a romantic desire for closeness or physical contact.

On the other hand, Very Well Mind** references most of these attraction types except for “social attraction,” and then it includes romantic attraction and sexual attraction:

Romantic attraction–can include sexual attraction, but not always. This refers to a desire to be in a romantic relationship with or without physical contact.
Sexual attraction–this is based on a desire to have sexual contact with someone, with or without a desire for a romantic relationship. It isn’t limited to real life because it can also involve fantasy and people with whom a person will never actually meet.

When we hear the word, attraction, I think that we tend to first think of physical attraction. It may be the first thing we notice about someone, but we can see that there are multiple ways to be attracted to someone or be seen as attractive. In the media, however, physical attractiveness is given a very high level of importance, especially for those who are viewed as especially physically attractive. Interestingly, Psychology Today*** references an article that most of the population is actually attracted to people who are deemed to be moderately attractive. They also mention “assortative mating patterns,” which suggest that people tend to most often end up with people who are similar to them in height, appearance, and IQ. This is, obviously, not always the case considering that I’m nearly a foot taller than my wife, but nonetheless, research suggests happiness doesn’t come from the most attractive person we can find. Instead, we may end up with the one that is most similar to us. We can still be pretty shallow, though, as the article later referenced a speed-dating study in which people listed a variety of preferences that they were looking for, but they still showed the most interest in those that they found most physically attractive. As I read this part, what occurred to me is that a lot of dating now involves apps that can over-emphasize looks as the factor that determines whether or not people want to meet up and start getting to know each other. This comment isn’t to suggest that there’s no value in these dating apps. I have friends who are married because of a dating app. It does seem that in using them, however, one must be careful to consider other forms of attractiveness beyond just physical. The getting-to-know-you process will definitely influence their overall attractiveness, and even the most beautiful person in the world is probably capable of giving you “the ick.”

*https://psychologyorg.com/the-psychology-of-attraction/

**https://www.verywellmind.com/types-of-attraction-how-they-impact-relationships-5218956

***https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/201707/why-we-want-who-we-want