This topic has been on my mind for a little while. I have no interest in making this blog a sounding board about my political views, so even though I will be talking about political differences being a big part of what divides us, I will avoid a biased lens that only adds to the problem. Besides, we’re all surrounded by non-stop political news and information. If that’s what people are looking for, there’s no shortage of places to find it.

Let’s start off with a little good news. Plenty of people are saying that we’re more divided** as a nation than we’ve ever been. I’ve been guilty of thinking that myself. However, we are also a nation that has gone through a Civil War. In more recent history, the 1960s were also a time of major political unrest, and at times, political violence. Our country has been divided before, and long after this particular period of polarization calms down, we will probably find out way back here again. When we think it’s worse than ever, what we’re really saying is that things are more divided now than we can remember, and that has to be put into the context of how many years we’ve actually been aware of political news. For instance, I was born the year Ronald Reagan took office, but I don’t remember anything about his 8 years as president, and I certainly wasn’t aware of “Reaganomics.” I remember Dana Carvey’s impressions of George H. W. Bush after he was elected, but I was aware of very little that Bush was doing. I do remember more of the Clinton years (especially the scandals), but I can’t say that I was particularly knowledgeable about what was actually going on until his last couple of years in office. The George W. Bush years were probably the first that I was consistently paying attention to politics. If I say something like, “This is the worst that things have ever been,” I’m really just basing that statement on less than 30 years of awareness.

Nonetheless, these are very difficult times. If you think that things are more divided now than you’ve ever seen it, you’re probably right. People** who call themselves Democrat or Republican are much more likely to view members of the other party negatively now than they did 40 years ago. Time Magazine has an article* looking at three different reasons why we’ve become so divided. They start by exploring our country’s troubling history with race, and then mention the evolution of capitalism becoming a system that feeds more and more wealth into the top few. As I was looking at these reasons, it occurs to me that these two areas themselves can be divisive issues. The third reason they cited is the major changes in media that inundate us all with constant, biased, and sometimes incorrect new stories that make us all less informed.

In terms of political issues, sparing over those is expected and not a big deal on its own. I think we could all agree that we’re not going to all agree. However, in the last 30 years** political polarization has increased in the sense that people are more likely to identify with a certain party instead of with individual issues. Sure, it can make sense that we identify with a group that we tend to agree with more, but the problem is when we start seeing the other side as…well…other. Increasing, along with polarization, have been negative views of people who label themselves members of the other party. Add into this a tendency we all have toward confirmation bias (an easier time believing things that fit with our current beliefs) and a constant bombardment from news sources and social media that treat the “other side” with contempt and dehumanizing name-calling, and we all start to feel a lot of disdain for the “others.”

With a little advice about what to do about this, researcher, Adam Grant, suggests*** that just trying to take another’s perspective is minimally helpful. However, when we try to imagine the circumstances that might have caused someone to develop a different point of view can actually humanize people who have opposing views or party affiliation. His example involves the issue of gun control. He suggests that someone who is for strict gun control laws try to imagine how their views might be different if they had grown up in a family that was highly involved in hunting. He suggests that someone who is against strict gun control laws try to imagine how their views might be different if they had grown up in Columbine.

At the end of the day, we all have the views we carry because of our particular backgrounds, family histories, and experiences. So do the people who disagree with whatever we happen to believe. Maybe if we can focus a little more on the issues that are important to us, and less on party affiliation, we can remember what is really important to us. It would also be helpful to remember that even when we disagree, people can have opposing views for their own reasons and still be good people. We’re all in this country together with a shared interest in working toward improvement. How we get there isn’t something we’re always going to agree on, and maybe that’s fine.

*https://time.com/5929978/the-u-s-capitol-riot-was-years-in-the-making-heres-why-america-is-so-divided/

**https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/psych-unseen/201809/why-has-america-become-so-divided

***https://behavioralscientist.org/your-ideas-are-not-your-identity-adam-grant-on-how-to-get-better-at-changing-your-mind/

While writing the blog last week about using I-statements with defensive people I wanted to add some tidbits for people who notice that they sometimes become defensive. However, when I started to add that information it muddied the message I was trying to write about. I decided that it would be appropriate to follow up with a different blog altogether for people who get defensive but want to work on it. Defensiveness is a problem that interferes with relationships and breaks down communication. An article from Very Well Mind** says, “Being defensive means rushing to defend yourself when you’re faced with an uncomfortable situation, rather than listening and really talking about the problem.” The Gottman Institute, a fantastic resource for helping people with their relationships, goes a step further* to call defensiveness one of their “Four Horsemen” signifying major relationship problems. They say that while defensiveness is meant as a way of protecting oneself, it is perceived by others as blaming and not taking responsibility. Being defensive also means that people are simply reacting to another’s words, not actually listening to the meaning of those words. All of this comes together to create contempt for someone else, which, incidentally, is another of Gottman’s Four Horsemen.

People show defensiveness through the following** behaviors:

Making excuses–which all comes down to saying why we’re not responsible for a problem instead of taking ownership.
Deflecting blame–which says that the other person is also wrong, not just us, or maybe more wrong than we are.
Responding dramatically–which comes in the form of exaggerating someone’s message. “Oh, so I guess you think I’m just….”
Making false promises–which is all about trying to avoid conflict by promising something that we’ll be unable to fulfil.

Defensive reactions may occur for a variety of reasons**, such as perfectionism, fear, insecurity, difficulty handling emotions, behaviors that you’ve learned from others, or mental health conditions. The reasons for why we become defensive probably make a lot of sense, and are often grounded in some difficult experiences. However, even when the reasons make sense, if your behaviors are making your own life more difficult and hurting your relationships with the ones you love, you owe it to yourself to do the hard work of starting to change these behaviors.

Changing defensive behaviors starts** with listening. If you’re in an emotional discussion with someone and the words that want to come flying out of your mouth start with, “Yeah, well” or “But,” bite them back and try to first understand the speaker’s message. Asking for clarification is a great second step because it shows the speaker that you are listening to understand their point of view. Next, it’s time to take responsibility if you’ve done something that has hurt or upset someone else. There’s a lot of messages that say, “People are just too sensitive nowadays.” Maybe that’s right, but if you’ve hurt someone you love it’s time to consider your intentions and see if they match what was perceived. After taking responsibility, it might be helpful to ask what you can do differently in the future; though you should keep in mind that it isn’t a good idea to make promises you can’t keep. Then work to fix the problem. As you move forward, keep an eye to the things that cause you to become defensive, and work to set boundaries that won’t trigger those defensive reactions quite so easily.

For the record, we’re all defensive from time to time, especially when relationships are struggling*. One of the things I pointed out last week is that we, parents, can be especially prone to being defensive in communication with our children. It’s hard to remind ourselves, but after we’re done with the stressful (and often thankless) job of raising our kids, we want to have a relationship with them that encourages them to keep coming around. They, like all of us, will spend the majority of their lives as adults, not as kids. I think that, in some ways, it might be easier to work on being defensive with a partner, especially if we’ve committed to spending our lives with them, than with our children. With our kids, we know that their happiness in the moment takes a back seat to their overall wellbeing, and we also know that we’re older, wiser, and frequently know better than they do. However, if we take shortcuts in listening, assume they don’t know what they're talking about, blow them off, or react defensively when they speak, we’re damaging our relationship with them. There is a definite difference between making them upset with us vs. wounding the relationship. Realistically, our kids are also entitled to having some real gripes with us from time to time as well. Becoming less defensive is a great way to teach them through example about the type of respect that we want to see from them as well.

*https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-defensiveness/

**https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-stop-being-defensive-7187366