I wrote the first draft of this blog a couple of weeks ago while thinking about how we’re actually done with the first quarter of our current century. I remember how back in the 90’s, pointing out the decade was a way of saying to “get with the times”…”Come on, man, it’s the 90’s, for crying out loud!” Now that time is long in the past. It seems like we’ve figured out a lot of things since then, but we still have plenty of room to collectively grow. The workforce, for instance, started changing in a drastic way many years ago. Those of us who are Gen X and Millenials were significantly more likely to be growing up in homes where both parents worked than previous generations. Today’s young adults and kids are even more so. This would tend to suggest that both parents would need to be equally responsible for household chores, but that is not the case. Unfortunately, women still bear the brunt of these responsibilities.
In heterosexual couples that live together, 51% of couples* report that the female partner does the majority of the housework. That doesn’t sound horrible, right? Until you look at the next statistic which says that 9% of these couples report that the man does the majority of the housework. The conclusion to be drawn from this is only 40% of households have both partners sharing the load of housework, and frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if there is still a continuum within this 40% in which things may not feel entirely fair or equal. Here’s the thing, I’m not writing this blog from the top of my soapbox. At the start of my marriage I figured that I should take care of the outside work (mowing, trimming, and other yardwork) and that my wife should take care of the inside jobs. To her, of course, this wasn’t fair. It took a little time, but I realized that she was exactly right. Not only are the inside housework jobs necessary year round, but they are also responsibilities that are necessary on a daily basis.
In reality, I don’t think that most men actually want to be seen as sexist or misogynistic. Most of us want our partners to see us as good husbands/boyfriends. Most of us who have kids also want to model fairness to them so that our sons and daughters will be respectful, and that they will have expectations that respect will be given back to them. Most of us also want a close relationship with our partner. It often seems odd to men when they hear comments that an imbalance of chores may start to interfere with the closeness they experience with their spouse. Many men have also probably heard their wife say something along the lines of “Not tonight” because she couldn’t relax enough to even consider being intimate while “this house is a mess!” Please trust me when I say that having an attitude that she should just get over it isn’t going to change anything on her end because it ultimately isn’t about the chore or the mess–it’s about feeling alone in shouldering the weight of responsibility for keeping things running smoothly within the home.
There is an interesting documentary (you can find it on Amazon’s streaming service) and a book, both called Fair Play. It’s all about the imbalance I’ve been writing about, and on fairplaylife.com** there is a set of cards that are designed to help with this. There are many cards with different responsibilities listed, and couples are encouraged to go through them to take an honest look at who takes care of each responsibility. Afterward, couples are encouraged to have discussions about who will take full responsibility for each job. The goal is not equal distribution of tasks. Instead the goal is that both partners show understanding and respect for each other’s time and the need for opportunities to unwind. Tasks are then divided in a way that both consider to be fair.
One last thing, fellas. Whatever tasks you choose, own them. Grumbling, complaining, and passive-aggressive comments will not make your partner feel like you’re taking the task off their shoulders. Those comments will make them feel like you’re whining, and I promise you that your partner will say that they would rather just do it themselves. To the partners who see their significant other choose a task and start to take the responsibility for it, they may not do it quite the same way as you, but it’s now their task. They might need a little time to get good at it, but pointing out the good, “It looked amazing tonight when you…” will work much better at helping them gain some skill and traction than pointing out the negative, “Yeah, but you didn’t…” Good luck everyone!