I was recently reading Atlas of the Heart, by Brene Brown. It’s a great book, by the way, and I highly recommend it. This book is all about defining different emotions because Brene argues that we severely limit ourselves when we water down our emotional experiences by combining nuanced emotions and calling them sad, angry, happy, etc. This is more than a book of definitions, though. It is incredibly deep but also easy to understand, which seems to be true about all of Brene’s work. One of the distinctions that she made, which I have to admit I’ve been getting wrong, is the difference between shame and guilt. Often I’ve thought of these as very similar, but the truth is they aren’t.
Guilt and shame*** do have things in common. They are both linked with emotions like disgust, embarrassment, humiliation, regret, remorse, and feeling self-conscious. However, just like all of these other emotions are different and distinct, so are shame and guilt. Brene* says that guilt can be adaptive because it causes us to feel bad about something that we have done that is not aligned with our values. For example, if honesty is important to me but I lie to someone that I love, I’m going to feel guilty. This is going to be uncomfortable. These feelings will make me want to make things right and be honest in the future. Guilt says, “I did something bad.” Shame, on the other hand, is not adaptive. Shame is when I feel that I am flawed or broken…that something is deeply wrong with me. Shame doesn’t say, “I did something bad.” Shame says, “I am bad.” Brene states*, “Shame and fear are almost always driving…unethical behavior. We’re now seeing that shame often fuels narcissistic behavior. In fact, I define narcissism as the shame-based fear of being ordinary.” Shame isn’t just maladaptive. It makes us dangerous. Shame thrives in the dark and drives wedges between us and others in our lives. Connection and empathy are what heals shame. This doesn’t mean we don’t hold others accountable. It means that we show empathy* while we help others take responsibility for their actions. If we shame them further we just drive the wedge between us deeper.
A Psychology Today article** takes this last point a few steps further. The author agrees that many who exhibit narcissistic behavior have crippling feelings of shame, but they may not be able to actually feel much guilt about their actions. To feel guilt, we must have the ability to see others as “distinct individuals,” and people who are very narcissistic may not have the ability to feel genuine concern for others or understand how they feel. Imagine the level of shame and self-loathing required to lose this ability.
Four different types of shame are identified in a PsychCentral** article:
Unrequited love: perhaps caused by family neglect
Exclusion: social ostracization (for example, at school)
Unwanted exposure: public humiliation
Disappointed expectation: failure
Our words are powerful, both the ones that we use with others and the ones we use with ourselves. I don’t believe that we start self-shaming without help. I think that we can often look at our childhoods to see where feelings of shame might have started. This isn’t always because of evil, abusive people, but it does show the responsibility that adults have in their language with children. If a child hears, “you made a bad choice,” they understand that they did something that they weren’t supposed to do. However, if a child’s interpretation is, “I’m bad,” they will start to feel shame. We must be careful in how we speak to the children we live with, work with, or interact with. I also think that it is important to work on our own feelings of shame in order to not pass them down to the next generation. Self-compassion, along with the courage to share our feelings of shame with trusted loved ones can help people deal with feelings of shame. Check out this website https://self-compassion.org/ for a self-compassion assessment to see if there are any specific areas in your life that need work. If feelings of shame run deep, consider speaking with a counselor in order to find a safe place to bring these feelings into the light, where they can finally start to wither.
*Atlas of the Heart, by Brene Brown
**https://psychcentral.com/health/guilt-vs-shame
***https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/shame/201305/the-difference-between-guilt-and-shame