Most people are familiar with the five stages of grief proposed by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. What most people probably don’t realize, though, is that these stages weren’t originally meant to describe the process of losing someone. Kubler-Ross’s research was about people who were, themselves, dying. Later it was discovered that there were clear similarities to the process that grieving people go through after experiencing a major loss of a loved one. However, the idea that everyone would proceed through these stages the same way (or even in the same order) is simply incorrect. Grief is intensely personal, and it doesn't even mean being sad. Mary-Frances O’Connor calls it learning* and says it, “teaches us how to be in the world without someone that we love in it.” This process has no time limit, and it will even be a very different experience for everyone left behind who shares the loss of a loved one. This can be especially important to know because people can be at different points in their grief, and just because one person seems to be handling things better than another, that doesn’t mean they’re actually alright. Grief is further complicated because the loss of a loved one can also open up old wounds from previous losses. Even when we have effectively found a sense of peace with a previous loss, it is normal to find that this wound can cause us pain all over again while we try to process a new loss.

When a person is grieving there are actual changes*** taking place in the brain, and this can affect memory, thinking, and concentration. This is sometimes referred to as grief brain, and for most people it can be especially intense for up to 6 months. Grief can affect***:

Attention
Memory
Decision-making skills
How quickly we understand information
Effectively expressing ourselves and finding the right words
The brain’s ability to function effectively

Grief includes a variety of emotions, and the experience* of these emotions tends to be significantly more intense than what is normal for an individual. For all of these reasons, when people elude to feeling unable to function while they’re grieving, it’s because their brains actually are having trouble functioning. We tend to instinctively know to cut someone some slack when we know that they are grieving because most of us already know that they’re not as capable as they would normally be.

Again, for most, the difficulties in brain functioning last up to 6 months, but there are those who continue to struggle long past this point. Less than 10% of grieving people* experience prolonged impairment beyond 6 months. These people might experience***:

Prolonged emotional pain
Avoiding reminders of their loved one or of the death
An ongoing feeling that a part of themselves has also died
Numbness
A lack of desire to pursue interests or make plans
A feeling that life is meaningless
Disconnecting from others
Inability to accept that their loved one has died

There is no right way to handle the grieving process. It is a path that looks different for everyone, but it is one that must be walked. The only way out is through. Our connections help us heal, so if you find yourself grieving, turn to those you love for support. If someone you care about is grieving just be with them. Brene Brown says that it's the connections, not the words that make situations better. She goes on to say that instead of trying to cheer her up, she’d rather hear someone say, “I don’t even know what to say right now. I’m just so glad you told me.” If you or someone you care about is having trouble processing the love that continues after losing someone special, know that this is completely normal. If it becomes too much, it might be time to talk to a counselor, but know that it’s normal to not be alright. Of all the references for quotes on grief, one of the most beautiful that I’ve heard comes from Marvel; specifically the show WandaVision. In the end of the show, the character Vision asks, “But what is grief, if not love persevering?”

*https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2021/12/20/1056741090/grief-loss-holiday-brain-healing

**https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/supersurvivors/201707/why-the-five-stages-grief-are-wrong

***https://psychcentral.com/lib/your-health-and-grief#how-grief-affects-the-brain

I was recently reading Atlas of the Heart, by Brene Brown. It’s a great book, by the way, and I highly recommend it. This book is all about defining different emotions because Brene argues that we severely limit ourselves when we water down our emotional experiences by combining nuanced emotions and calling them sad, angry, happy, etc. This is more than a book of definitions, though. It is incredibly deep but also easy to understand, which seems to be true about all of Brene’s work. One of the distinctions that she made, which I have to admit I’ve been getting wrong, is the difference between shame and guilt. Often I’ve thought of these as very similar, but the truth is they aren’t.

Guilt and shame*** do have things in common. They are both linked with emotions like disgust, embarrassment, humiliation, regret, remorse, and feeling self-conscious. However, just like all of these other emotions are different and distinct, so are shame and guilt. Brene* says that guilt can be adaptive because it causes us to feel bad about something that we have done that is not aligned with our values. For example, if honesty is important to me but I lie to someone that I love, I’m going to feel guilty. This is going to be uncomfortable. These feelings will make me want to make things right and be honest in the future. Guilt says, “I did something bad.” Shame, on the other hand, is not adaptive. Shame is when I feel that I am flawed or broken…that something is deeply wrong with me. Shame doesn’t say, “I did something bad.” Shame says, “I am bad.” Brene states*, “Shame and fear are almost always driving…unethical behavior. We’re now seeing that shame often fuels narcissistic behavior. In fact, I define narcissism as the shame-based fear of being ordinary.” Shame isn’t just maladaptive. It makes us dangerous. Shame thrives in the dark and drives wedges between us and others in our lives. Connection and empathy are what heals shame. This doesn’t mean we don’t hold others accountable. It means that we show empathy* while we help others take responsibility for their actions. If we shame them further we just drive the wedge between us deeper.

A Psychology Today article** takes this last point a few steps further. The author agrees that many who exhibit narcissistic behavior have crippling feelings of shame, but they may not be able to actually feel much guilt about their actions. To feel guilt, we must have the ability to see others as “distinct individuals,” and people who are very narcissistic may not have the ability to feel genuine concern for others or understand how they feel. Imagine the level of shame and self-loathing required to lose this ability.

Four different types of shame are identified in a PsychCentral** article:

Unrequited love: perhaps caused by family neglect
Exclusion: social ostracization (for example, at school)
Unwanted exposure: public humiliation
Disappointed expectation: failure

Our words are powerful, both the ones that we use with others and the ones we use with ourselves. I don’t believe that we start self-shaming without help. I think that we can often look at our childhoods to see where feelings of shame might have started. This isn’t always because of evil, abusive people, but it does show the responsibility that adults have in their language with children. If a child hears, “you made a bad choice,” they understand that they did something that they weren’t supposed to do. However, if a child’s interpretation is, “I’m bad,” they will start to feel shame. We must be careful in how we speak to the children we live with, work with, or interact with. I also think that it is important to work on our own feelings of shame in order to not pass them down to the next generation. Self-compassion, along with the courage to share our feelings of shame with trusted loved ones can help people deal with feelings of shame. Check out this website https://self-compassion.org/ for a self-compassion assessment to see if there are any specific areas in your life that need work. If feelings of shame run deep, consider speaking with a counselor in order to find a safe place to bring these feelings into the light, where they can finally start to wither.

*Atlas of the Heart, by Brene Brown

**https://psychcentral.com/health/guilt-vs-shame

***https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/shame/201305/the-difference-between-guilt-and-shame