“We never fight.” Trust me, if you ever hear a couple say these words they are either a week into their relationship, lying, or kidding themselves. I’m not sure it is possible to have a relationship with anyone without some level of conflict. This shouldn’t be considered a bad thing, though. Conflict is inevitable because we are all different and unique. We all have different genes and different experiences, which work together to shape how we see and interpret the world around us. Even if you could be with someone who was just like you, would you actually want that? It may sound appealing in some ways, but I can tell you that almost every time I’ve heard the phrase, “They are just like me” it wasn’t meant as a compliment. Sometimes, however, the conflict can become toxic and can send a couple into crisis.
Generally speaking, when a couple is in crisis, their fights follow a pattern that is predictable enough that each fight is practically a repeat of the one before. Let me stop for a second and say that I’m using the word “fight” the way most people report it to me, which is arguing, yelling, slamming doors, or mean words. I’m not using this word in reference to domestic violence or abuse. I have nothing of value in this particular blog for resolving conflict in relationships that contain abuse or domestic violence because there can’t be a sense of safety between a victim and an abuser. Without safety, there is no opportunity to heal. Domestic violence perpetrators need to work on fully stopping their behavior before there is any hope of a healthy relationship. For the couples who are having relationship trouble, and the couples who don’t like that their arguing is taking a nasty turn, this one is for you.
Whenever I have a new couple entering counseling together I always recommend the book, Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson. It is a beautifully written book that helps couples look at how they attach to one another instead of teaching conflict resolution skills. The reason behind this is that these skills can go out the window in the middle of a heated argument, but building a secure attachment to each other means that when we fight, we don’t fight dirty, and it also means that healing happens faster and easier afterward. Dr. Johnson’s research suggests most insecure attachment styles show up as attack or withdrawal.
Attachment research suggests that our fighting styles can usually be traced back to our earliest attachments with our parents or primary caregivers, and I’ve definitely noticed this with clients. There isn’t a hard rule about this because people are complicated, and our attachment styles can change or adjust over the course of our lives. Most of the time, though, people who go on the attack with their partner can look to a time in their own history where they felt like they had to force someone to pay attention to them. Likewise, people who withdraw from their partner often have a time in their history in which it was safer to make themselves small and less noticeable. Usually these times took place when they were very young. People who get angry with their partner and occasionally yell, but resolve the issue with each other quickly and heal from it have probably grown up knowing that they were always safe and loved.
The way we learn to build a secure attachment to a romantic partner is through creating a sense of safety with one another. When I work with a couple, I am constantly asking them to look at their emotions. When we communicate with each other and focus specifically on the different emotions that are involved, others can understand our point to view, which helps them see things differently. It also allows them the opportunity to explain their side better. This is important, but it is just as important to realize that no one is the villain in their own story. We tend to assume that we are right, and people are good at justifying their actions. It is hard, but necessary, to step back and make an effort to empathize and understand what our loved ones are trying to tell us. When we create a true sense of safety with someone, we are able to share our feelings, our past hurts and struggles, and we can know that the more vulnerable sides of us are safe when they are exposed to our significant others. This safety actually ends up keeping us in check during fights because we are less likely to lash out in extreme ways when we feel that someone is able to meet our needs. Also, when we do get hurtful with one another, we can heal these hurts faster and more effectively.
There are times in which it is too hard to do this work on our own. When a couple is struggling and hurting deeply, it can be necessary to reach out to a couples therapist. Therapy can provide a safe place to be heard and understood, as well as a place to start to build that sense of safety with one another. A good couples therapist can also help each person in the relationship to not only understand how their own past has contributed to the current conflict, but also to see how their partner’s past contributes to the things which they continue to struggle with. This understanding can help both move forward together.