A phrase that I hear frequently from clients (especially teens and young adults) is, “I have anger issues.” I always want to know what that means to someone when they say it. Do they mean that they get angry? If that’s the case, anger is a normal human emotion that we all experience. Do they mean that they have trouble controlling their anger? This is most common, and it usually means that we need to do a little digging to find out why. Do they mean that they have accepted this phrase as a way of justifying exploding on others? This happens too, and it is sometimes accompanied by a notion that someone should’ve known better than to upset them. When you try to look up articles about anger, you’ll find many that recommend steps to take to control your anger. This has value, for sure, but strong emotions occur outside of conscious thought, and these emotions usually don’t listen to reason. This means that knowing what to do when we’re angry doesn’t mean that those steps will always be accessible when we’re hopping mad.
Dr. Ryan Martin wrote a book called, How to Deal with Angry People, and I’m afraid I can’t vouch for it yet because I’m still waiting for it to come in; however, he was interviewed on the website “Fatherly” and had some very interesting points about anger. He notes** that anger can have an effect on our relationships. The most obvious way is if our anger reactions scare others (and this can even happen for people who witness us become angry at someone else). Another way is when (listen up fellas) we say, “I’m fine. Don’t worry about it” when we are clearly not fine. Try as we might, we usually can’t hide it from those that love us when we’re upset…my wife spots it in how I set my jaw every single time. When we don’t open up while we are struggling with something big, we wall ourselves off and alienate the ones closest to us.
Dr. Martin goes on later to address** the notion of other emotions accompanying anger. He cautions us not to assume that anger is always masking another, deeper emotion, but also acknowledges that yes, sometimes this is happening too. In the field of mental health, our research doesn’t say “always” or “never.” People are too complicated and unpredictable to fit in boxes, so he’s right to say that anger is sometimes just anger. It is another feeling, just like all of the others, and yes, it can certainly be felt and experienced all by itself. In my experience, anger within the context of relationships is usually accompanied by other emotions, and this is especially the case with men because we are taught both directly and indirectly that there are emotions that indicate weakness (hurt, sadness, fear, etc). If you are taught that fear is a weakness, but anger is strength, it only makes sense to wrap our more vulnerable emotions in something that feels stronger. For people who lack secure attachment, anger is often expressed as a way of covering up fear and hurt. I have to point out to clients frequently that yelling certainly showed someone that they were upset, but it didn’t show that other person that the client felt hurt.
So all of this is to say that anger is bad, right? Nope, anger is neither good nor bad. Anger is just a feeling, which also means that happiness is neither good nor bad. They just exist as feelings. Dr. Alex Lickerman points out* that anger is actually a perfectly valid response to some situations, like injustice. Anger can also motivate us to right a wrong or to stand up for ourselves and others. Anger, like all emotions, is a gift from our ancestors that has served a purpose to help protect all of the other humans that have come before us. However, just because anger has value and purpose doesn’t mean that it is always used correctly, and in fact, many people release anger in destructive ways. Some also try to suppress it or hide it, but as Dr. Lickerman notes, eventually it will, “require satisfactory expression.” In other words, you can push it down, but it will find a way out that feels good. Let’s be honest, in the moment, it does feel good to explode, but often the consequences afterward don’t feel so great.
According to research** the best way to deal with anger isn’t actually through catharsis, like hitting a pillow or screaming. This is counter to what is commonly thought, but it turns out that amping up the body while already angry doesn’t use up the anger. If anything, it can make the anger more intense, even though the catharsis can actually feel good at the time (see again, satisfactory expression). What is helpful is to calm the body, through deep breathing, mindfulness activities, yoga, or other calming coping skills.
Dr. Martin also recommends** writing about our anger. What happened to provoke your anger, your mood at the time, and what you thought about the situation afterwards. This can help us to process the incident with logic-areas of the brain instead of just emotional reactions, but it can also help us to identify patterns. If we can truly take a step back from the raw emotion, sometimes we can find out what is going on at a deeper level. Sometimes we get angry as a defense mechanism, and usually our defense mechanisms are more about what is going on inside of ourselves than the situation at hand. This is another reason why writing or journaling can help us to find patterns and deeper understanding about our anger.
Emotions are tricky, and frankly, some people weren’t raised with good examples of how to express them. Others have grown up in supportive families, but have encountered traumatic experiences that impaired their ability to safely and productively express how they feel. This is why some people benefit from speaking with a counselor. If you are having trouble dealing productively with anger, and you feel like you might be stuck, know that there is hope and help available to you.
*https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happiness-in-world/201311/dealing-anger
**https://www.fatherly.com/life/dr-ryan-martin-interview-angry-men