Today we’re going to finish up the book, Sex Talks by Vanessa Marin. This is part three, so I’d highly recommend checking out the first two blogs about this book before reading this one. Last time we started looking at the first three of Vanessa’s five conversations about sex. Conversation four is all about pleasure. Pleasure is an important part of sex. If you read that and thought, “Well duh!” I don’t blame you, but actually being able to communicate what feels good and what doesn’t is a very hard thing for most people to do.

The Fairy Tale mentioned early in this book has us believe that great sex is supposed to happen naturally. Furthermore, sometimes people are less than honest about what is working for them and what isn’t (at times even faking orgasms), which can lead to misunderstandings between partners. Before jumping into a conversation about pleasure (which could include perceptions of criticisms) it is recommended to go through the work of having the first three conversations: acknowledging sex and opening the door to communication, working on developing a sense of closeness, and then cultivating desire. This paves the way for being able to have honest discussions of what each partner likes, doesn’t like, as well as what each thinks that they might like in the future. Some people might think, “I don’t even know what I want,” which is normal. For this reason, Vanessa has included a series of suggestions for mapping out how one wants to be touched or kissed, the energy that someone may want their partner to bring to the bedroom, and a little more understanding of the purpose that sex serves within oneself. She also teaches how to give feedback that is positive instead of discouraging. Instead of “No, don’t do that!” Vanessa encourages phrasing like: “When you touch me here, it feels amazing. That is even better than what you were doing before. I like that level of pressure. When you go slow, it feels amazing.” The caveat, though, is don’t hesitate to tell your partner if something hurts. Pain can become associated with sex if it isn’t addressed, which can kill desire.

It goes against the fairy tale to say this, but intercourse between a man and woman definitely does not guarantee an orgasm for the woman. As a fetus begins to develop genitals, the same tissues are used to form the penis as are used to form the clitoris. Both are very high in nerve endings, but the clitoris gets the win at about 8,000-9,000 nerve endings compared to 2,000-3,000 for the penis. For another nerve-ending comparison, the testicles have dramatically fewer than the penis, and this number is very similar to nerve endings in the vagina. Again, the same tissues that form the testicles are also used to form the vagina. In other words, sometimes intercourse isn’t going to be enough to allow a woman to orgasm. It helps to recognize something that non-heterosexual couples already know: Sex is more than intercourse. If couples can expand the word sex into everything that they are doing to give each other sexual pleasure, they can ensure that both receive everything they are craving from each other.

After the conversation about pleasure, the fifth conversation is about exploration. Sex can become routine for long-term couples, and it can feel risky to mess with what works. Mixing things up is a fun way to create excitement, but people find this hard to talk about. Why is this difficult? Probably because they haven’t had the other four conversations before asking “What is your fantasy?” The word fantasy can seem like it is supposed to be regarding elaborate storylines and costumes to some people. Instead, try asking your partner what they are curious about trying with you. Vanessa created a list of things that partners can go over together to figure out their yes, no, and maybe for different activities…in other words, things they definitely want to try, things they do not want to try, and things they might be interested in trying with their partner. Sexual perfectionism and the fairy tale can come into play when couples branch out of the routine, so Vanessa encourages couples to use the First Pancake rule. She points out that the first pancake always is a little off, a little weird, or kind of misshapen. Think of this when you try something new…you may not be perfect at it, and that’s ok. Discussing things that people are curious about can bring up a lot of fears of judgment. People do not have to agree to try something their partner is interested in because explorations should be consensual, but it definitely doesn’t help anything to judge or shame each other.

Throughout the book there is a lot of really helpful information and advice that simply won’t fit in a three-part blog series. The author shares what to do if complications come up, feelings get hurt, or if one partner disengages. She also shares a lot of examples of common questions that have been directed to her through social media. The top two fights in marriages are about money and sex, so even though the fairy tale suggests that sex is supposed to be easy and effortless, it isn’t. A sex life that is fun and satisfying to those in a particular relationship takes communication above any other “relationship hack.” If this blog has piqued your interest, I highly recommend getting a copy for yourself and getting the conversations going with your partner. Even if you feel like your sex life is already outstanding, this is still a great read for the conversations that will follow.

Hopefully the last blog piqued your interest. If you haven’t read it, I’ll ask you to go back and check it out before reading this one because this is part 2 in a blog about the book, Sex Talks by Vanessa Marin. Today we will introduce the 5 conversations that Vanessa recommends couples have with each other to enhance their sex life. Before diving into those conversations, she recommends starting off with 9 ground rules:

Consider the deeper reasons why you want to have a talk with your partner about sex.
Think of yourselves as a team, and know that some things are hard to say and hear.
Start soft and only begin when you and your partner are in the right headspace.
Use “I statements”: “I feel _____ when you____.” This utilizes vulnerability and prevents defensiveness.
Go slow and tackle one concern at a time.
Avoid “always” and “never.” These words are inaccurate and rarely lead to anything productive.
Don’t use language that assumes your partner can never change anything.
Actively listen to your partner, paraphrase what you hear, and don’t just wait for your turn to talk.
Be compassionate to yourself and your partner. Many people have baggage about sex.

Now, on to the 5 conversations about sex. These conversations start in a fairly obvious place: “Acknowledging that sex is a thing, and we have it.” This sounds too simple, right? The fact is that some people can feel a huge amount of pressure when discussing sex with their partner. The very idea of talking about it can make some feel judged or insecure. It makes sense, though, because when there are problems in the bedroom they are usually only talked about during moments of frustration or anger. This can sound like criticism and lead to more sexual baggage. Vanessa recommends starting off by talking about the good stuff; bringing up a favorite sexy memory with them or asking your partner about theirs. Follow up with praise and gratitude that they indulged in this conversation with you. Continue praising and complimenting them (“I love how you initiated sex the other night” or “I can’t take my eyes off of you right now”) so that they start to see that talking with you about your sex life can be fun and exciting, not full of judgment. Once this becomes more comfortable it can start to get easier to praise your partner after sex for something you particularly enjoyed. Vanessa points out that these on-going acknowledgment conversations lead to flirting between partners.

The second conversation is all about building connection. For many people, a strong sense of closeness is natural and easy at the start of the relationship, but as time goes on they might start to feel disconnected. Stress, family, jobs, etc can all get in the way of this connection. Some people need to feel connected in order to have sex, while others need sex in order to feel connected–Vanessa points out that often one of these two different types end up with the other, and they may not understand their partner’s needs. Those that crave emotional connection first may feel like their partner just wants release. Most commonly, men are craving physical connection as a way of leading to emotional connection, and much of this is due to socialization. While women are taught that it is acceptable for them to express emotions, men are taught that this is weakness. Many men find that it is too hard to ask for emotional closeness with their partner, so they seek physical closeness first. However, an emotional connection is often the core of what men are looking for. This doesn’t mean that it’s fair to ask the emotional-craving partner to just be willing to have more sex in order to build their connection, though. It can lead to sex feeling hollow, and even the physical-craving partner isn’t interested in distracted pity-sex. For this reason, Vanessa recommends spending the time rebuilding emotional connection first. Ask yourself and each other what causes you to feel the most connected to one another and put in the effort to build on these things.

Desire is the third conversation, and this can be a very hard thing to talk about without triggering some defensiveness. I briefly mentioned boundaries at the end of part 1 of this blog as thinking about your “wants” as well as your “don’t wants.” It is important to spend time thinking about your personal needs because this is a good starting point in the desire conversation. Starting off by making your partner aware of what you’re into and what you’re not into can help them understand you a little better. More than that, though, committing to your partner that you are going to take responsibility for working on your side of things (with their support) shows that you want some positive changes and you’re willing to work for them. Vanessa recommends considering what kinds of things can allow your sex life to simmer throughout the day (sexy notes, suggestive looks, etc) so that when it is time to turn it up to boil much of the heat is already there. When it comes to thinking about things that your partner does that turn you off, consider focusing on the positive instead. “I love the way those jeans fit your butt” or “Your breath is so fresh. Kiss me again!” will go much farther than, “I hate those disgusting, baggy cargo shorts” or “Yuck! Your breath is nasty!” When discussing turn-ons with your partner, remember that no one is obligated to do anything that they do not want to do, but shaming is a sure-fire way to shut down communication and risk that it stays shut down. Still on the topic of desire is figuring out each partner’s initiation styles. Below is a list, but it is very possible that you don’t fully match just one style, or you might have more than one. Vanessa identifies the following 6 styles:

Excite me: The idea of simmer works really well for these folks. They want to build up desire with their partner, potentially for days leading up to sex.
Take care of me: These folks probably spend a lot of time caring for others, so a sure-fire way for their partner to get them going is when the partner allows them to relax and removes things from the to-do list.
Play with me: Inside jokes and some playful silliness gets these folks in the mood.
Desire me: These folks find it exhilarating when their partner wants them. They love getting compliments, and may enjoy it when their partner is assertive.
Connect with me: Pressure is a major turn-off for these folks. They need intimate conversation and emotional connection to be interested in sex.
Touch me: These folks long to be touched by their partner. They love when their partner gives them a backrub or sneaks up to plant a kiss on their neck. Note: sneaking up from behind and grabbing their partner’s breasts is rarely effective, and may have the opposite reaction.

There are 2 more conversations to have from this book, but for sake of space I’m going to save them for next week. I considered squeezing them all into this blog, but this book has a lot of great information that I’m already leaving out, and I want to make sure to do it justice. Please come back next week as we wrap up information from this great book.