Today we’re going to finish up the book, Sex Talks by Vanessa Marin. This is part three, so I’d highly recommend checking out the first two blogs about this book before reading this one. Last time we started looking at the first three of Vanessa’s five conversations about sex. Conversation four is all about pleasure. Pleasure is an important part of sex. If you read that and thought, “Well duh!” I don’t blame you, but actually being able to communicate what feels good and what doesn’t is a very hard thing for most people to do.
The Fairy Tale mentioned early in this book has us believe that great sex is supposed to happen naturally. Furthermore, sometimes people are less than honest about what is working for them and what isn’t (at times even faking orgasms), which can lead to misunderstandings between partners. Before jumping into a conversation about pleasure (which could include perceptions of criticisms) it is recommended to go through the work of having the first three conversations: acknowledging sex and opening the door to communication, working on developing a sense of closeness, and then cultivating desire. This paves the way for being able to have honest discussions of what each partner likes, doesn’t like, as well as what each thinks that they might like in the future. Some people might think, “I don’t even know what I want,” which is normal. For this reason, Vanessa has included a series of suggestions for mapping out how one wants to be touched or kissed, the energy that someone may want their partner to bring to the bedroom, and a little more understanding of the purpose that sex serves within oneself. She also teaches how to give feedback that is positive instead of discouraging. Instead of “No, don’t do that!” Vanessa encourages phrasing like: “When you touch me here, it feels amazing. That is even better than what you were doing before. I like that level of pressure. When you go slow, it feels amazing.” The caveat, though, is don’t hesitate to tell your partner if something hurts. Pain can become associated with sex if it isn’t addressed, which can kill desire.
It goes against the fairy tale to say this, but intercourse between a man and woman definitely does not guarantee an orgasm for the woman. As a fetus begins to develop genitals, the same tissues are used to form the penis as are used to form the clitoris. Both are very high in nerve endings, but the clitoris gets the win at about 8,000-9,000 nerve endings compared to 2,000-3,000 for the penis. For another nerve-ending comparison, the testicles have dramatically fewer than the penis, and this number is very similar to nerve endings in the vagina. Again, the same tissues that form the testicles are also used to form the vagina. In other words, sometimes intercourse isn’t going to be enough to allow a woman to orgasm. It helps to recognize something that non-heterosexual couples already know: Sex is more than intercourse. If couples can expand the word sex into everything that they are doing to give each other sexual pleasure, they can ensure that both receive everything they are craving from each other.
After the conversation about pleasure, the fifth conversation is about exploration. Sex can become routine for long-term couples, and it can feel risky to mess with what works. Mixing things up is a fun way to create excitement, but people find this hard to talk about. Why is this difficult? Probably because they haven’t had the other four conversations before asking “What is your fantasy?” The word fantasy can seem like it is supposed to be regarding elaborate storylines and costumes to some people. Instead, try asking your partner what they are curious about trying with you. Vanessa created a list of things that partners can go over together to figure out their yes, no, and maybe for different activities…in other words, things they definitely want to try, things they do not want to try, and things they might be interested in trying with their partner. Sexual perfectionism and the fairy tale can come into play when couples branch out of the routine, so Vanessa encourages couples to use the First Pancake rule. She points out that the first pancake always is a little off, a little weird, or kind of misshapen. Think of this when you try something new…you may not be perfect at it, and that’s ok. Discussing things that people are curious about can bring up a lot of fears of judgment. People do not have to agree to try something their partner is interested in because explorations should be consensual, but it definitely doesn’t help anything to judge or shame each other.
Throughout the book there is a lot of really helpful information and advice that simply won’t fit in a three-part blog series. The author shares what to do if complications come up, feelings get hurt, or if one partner disengages. She also shares a lot of examples of common questions that have been directed to her through social media. The top two fights in marriages are about money and sex, so even though the fairy tale suggests that sex is supposed to be easy and effortless, it isn’t. A sex life that is fun and satisfying to those in a particular relationship takes communication above any other “relationship hack.” If this blog has piqued your interest, I highly recommend getting a copy for yourself and getting the conversations going with your partner. Even if you feel like your sex life is already outstanding, this is still a great read for the conversations that will follow.