Boundaries are a common topic of discussion with clients. I think this is because there are a lot of misconceptions about boundaries. People might not want to come across as bossy or controlling. They might also worry about hurting someone’s feelings. These worries miss the point, though. Setting boundaries is not about telling someone what to do, and it’s definitely not the same as giving ultimatums. Boundaries are about being clear regarding what we will do and what we won’t do. When we set them, we’re acknowledging that we have no control over others; we can only control ourselves.
The thing that makes setting boundaries so difficult is our own discomfort. In order to set a boundary with you, I have to be willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable as I share that something is bothering me. I then have to be willing to feel uncomfortable watching you hear these things that I’ve shared with you. I don’t know about you, but I tend to dread these types of situations with people that I care about.
“So why in the world would I want to do that?” You might ask. The reason is because boundaries preserve relationships. Just because we don’t make our boundaries clear doesn’t mean that they don’t already exist in our minds. If there is something that habitually upsets you in one of your relationships, it’s because something is happening that goes against your preferences. For example, let’s say that you have a significant other who is frequently late. This can lead to someone feeling undervalued or unimportant. By communicating how this behavior makes you feel, they become aware of it, which allows them the chance to behave in a way that feels more respectful to you. Sometimes we think “I’m just going to let this go.” This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but there is a huge difference between letting something go and just not talking about it. When we decide to let something go, we’re making a decision to work on being content with something. Sometimes this is adaptive. If my friend is a Cubs fan, I will know that they have bad taste, but I can let that go and still enjoy their company. On the other hand, if my friend constantly belittles me or makes degrading comments to me, I probably won’t be able to actually let that go because it will continue to bother me. If I don’t speak up, I will still be upset, and over time this will reduce my desire to be around this friend…until the time comes that I no longer consider them a friend. This is the danger of not setting boundaries. We don’t do it because our feelings get hurt. We do it because when someone crosses our boundaries again and again we start to feel resentment toward that person. This resentment can poison relationships and end them. If we’re clear about boundaries, that doesn’t guarantee that a relationship can survive, but it does give the other person the ability to decide whether they will respect our boundaries or not.
I saw a screenshot of a beautiful example of boundaries. This popped up on Facebook, and I have no idea if it was actually real, but regardless, the example was great. It was a text conversation between an adult daughter and her mother. The adult daughter had shared a brag about her own child. The mother responded with praise about her granddaughter and snuck in a few particularly mean jabs at her own daughter. The daughter responded by reminding her mom that it was unhealthy to be in communication with the mom when she was saying degrading things. She informed her mom that she would block her for the week and would check back in the following week to see if her mom was back to a more stable mood. She ended the text by saying she loved her mom and looked forward to talking to her in a week. I thought this was a great example because the adult daughter didn’t get sucked into an argument or even try to tell her mom what to do. She simply knew that her mom had times where she was mean and hurtful, and she informed her mom that she wasn’t going to put herself in a position to be anyone’s punching bag. She didn’t drop the relationship for good (although sometimes this is appropriate to do). She kept it on terms that were healthy for her.
As much as I admired that example, I have to admit it would be hard. People frequently express worries that setting boundaries will hurt someone’s feelings. This is certainly a consideration since there are many people who do not react well when someone sets a boundary, but remember, boundaries are about our own behavior. For the example above regarding a partner who is frequently late, a boundary might be to say, “Being on time is important to me, so when you’re running more than 10 minutes late, I’m going to allow myself permission to make other plans.” Sometimes a boundary with someone who is hurtful or disrespectful is as simple as, “I’m no longer willing to spend time with you when you hurt me.” It is understandable to worry about hurting someone’s feelings when we set boundaries. Brene Brown addresses this fear in her book, Atlas of the Heart, so I’m going to end this blog with a quote from her work. “I also learned that when you hold someone accountable for hurtful behaviors and they feel shame, that’s not the same as shaming someone. I am responsible for holding you accountable in a respectful and productive way. I’m not responsible for your emotional reaction to that accountability. Sadly, I’ve also learned that sometimes, even when the pain takes your breath away, you have to let the people you love experience the consequences of their own behavior.”