Imagine with me, if you will, something that we’ve all experienced from time to time. You go to get some help at the service area of a store, and you realize, “Oh, no. It’s THAT guy.” He’s been a jerk/creep/loudmouth in the past, and now you’re going to have to deal with him again. Because of these past interactions, you go into this next one expecting the same thing. Maybe you decide to start off with some attitude of your own. Maybe you retreat into yourself and act overly meek. Maybe you get a snarky tone to your voice. Regardless of what it may look like, the point is that you start off responding to his behavior before he even has a chance to say anything, and when he finally does speak or act, his behavior is exactly what you expected. The question is, though, would he have acted any differently if you had gone into the interaction without expectations?
The hard thing about that question is that there is genuinely no way to know; at least not without a time machine or psychic powers. What I do know is that sometimes we have a self-fulfilling prophecy. This just means I believed something would happen, so I acted like it had already happened. In doing so, I may have ensured that the thing I was dreading would actually happen.
A negative interaction with someone at a store might be a little uncomfortable, but it is a relatively minor thing. Once we’re done with him, we leave and go about our lives. The problem is when this impacts our real-world relationships, and the truth is, we all do this from time to time. We might have this interfere with forming new relationships because baggage from previous relationships might cause us to enter new ones with negative expectations. After a bad breakup or a divorce people may, understandably, feel jaded and a little cynical. People usually feel a variety of hurts after a relationship ends. They might feel used or betrayed. They may feel that they were never treated well, abused, or that their love wasn’t reciprocated. This is heavy, and it makes sense that a person would want to protect themselves by not getting too close to someone new. However, if we enter a new relationship expecting to be treated certain ways, we may start off by responding to something that hasn’t happened yet. This doesn’t mean that if someone expects a person to cheat on them they will actually cause their partner to cheat on them. But this fear may cause them to be extremely suspicious or jealous, causing their new partner to feel like this isn’t a safe and secure relationship. The partner may never cheat, but they may not stay, either. It is important to acknowledge and honor the part of oneself that is afraid of being hurt again. Those who have been hurt have every right to feel cautious and afraid. The better that they can understand their own fears, the more likely they are to watch for red flags, while also acknowledging that their new partner isn’t the one that hurt them.
This can easily happen in ongoing relationships too, though. I believe that all couples get into a funk from time to time. This can start off small with minor irritations, but when people don’t speak with their partner about the things that are bothering them, these irritations can build up until they become bigger problems. When both people are upset with each other, they can easily carry that upset into all of their interactions. At that point, everything can feel like a shot fired at them. “We’re out of milk” can be perceived as “You never do anything around here!” This causes the partner to fire back, and suddenly they are in a big fight…and they still don’t have any milk. Getting out of this pattern is hard because most of us tend to think we are right, and this limits our ability to look at our partner’s point of view. If it feels like you and your significant other are constantly fighting, most likely the fight isn’t actually about the thing you’re currently upset about. Most likely it is something deeper. Anger is easier for many people to express than other, more vulnerable emotions. Sure, you might feel and express anger, but often there is a softer feeling at the core, like hurt, sadness, or worry. When this is the case, we usually don’t get very far until we do the work of expressing the deeper emotions. When we can be real with each other, we can have an honest discussion about how we feel. This is going to pay off better than hurling accusations at each other. Often, once we get at the heart of what is really bothering us, we can find that we are less likely to take neutral things personally because we don’t go into the interaction expecting a fight.
This can happen with anyone important in our lives. Self-fulfilling prophecies can interfere with our relationships with our parents, children, friends, and extended family. It doesn’t matter who they are, it essentially looks the same. Sometimes there is a lot of baggage in our relationships with our parents or extended family that can cause us to have expectations of a negative outcome before it ever happens. Kids are moody, and sometimes teens can be rather unpleasant. This can cause us to be sick of the attitude before they actually show any. Our best friends can be irritating at times. Regardless of who they are, these self-fulfilling prophecies can show up when we expect bad things, act accordingly ahead of time, and then feel justified when the bad things happen. I think the last part of that sentence is the key. If you find yourself thinking, “I knew it!” you may be guilty of a self-fulfilling prophecy.
When these predictions come into our minds, it is necessary to start challenging them. It becomes important to ask ourselves, “How do I know (s)he will do…?” Sometimes we need to clear the air with people that are important to us. Talk to them. Let them know that you are frustrated, hurt, angry, scared, etc, and (here’s the hard part) be willing to listen as they share why they are upset with you. When there’s conflict between you and someone you care about, it usually doesn’t actually get better until someone makes the first move.