Grief, it comes in all shapes and forms. It is often avoided by those suffering and those who do not know how to address it when a loved one is going through it. There is a particular type of loss that is still avoided and often ignored that I wanted to address today, this form of loss being the loss of a pregnancy or miscarriage. October is known as pregnancy and infant loss awareness month so I wanted to recognize it and hopefully help someone that may be going through it or supporting a loved one going through it.
Unfortunately pregnancy loss is common, as 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. And 1 in 160 pregnancies ends in stillbirth according to Pregnancy After Loss Support’s website*. Based on these numbers, I am willing to bet that those of you reading this blog right now have either suffered this type of loss or know someone who has. So, for those who have suffered this loss, let's take a moment to recognize this and honor your child. Your child mattered no matter their age or time on Earth. Your love for them mattered and still matters. I recognize that you carry each of your children in your heart and will do so until the end of your time. I also know that like all types of grief, the loss can be hard regardless of how long it has been since their death. Please remember there is no timeline for grief and that if it still hurts, that is okay. If you feel like the grief hits you like a tidal wave, that is normal. There is no right way to work through grief and grief has no real ending. I often suggest that when the feelings of grief come up, allow those feelings to exist. Yes, they are hard. Yes, they are uncomfortable. No, they may not come at the best time. Shoving these feelings down and ignoring them is not going to help you and they are just going to come right back up. So instead, sit in it and remember that all feelings come and go and they will ease up. Please remember that we all grieve differently, so if you don’t feel sad all the time it does not mean that you have forgotten your child or no longer care about your child. It is perfectly acceptable to feel happiness in your life after suffering this loss.
When the loss initially begins it is often unbearable and overwhelming. Many women whom I have worked with express guilt, shame or self-blame for their pregnancy not sustaining. This is heartbreaking because many miscarriages are not preventable or due to anything anyone did or could have done, therefore this self blame and guilt is truly not necessary and only creates more suffering. And if they feel this way, then they are more likely to not share or talk about their loss in fear that others might feel the same way. This then creates more isolation, and often they are trying to navigate this grief alone or with their partner only. I also often hear about how difficult it is to be in public because it can seem like everyone around you is pregnant, having a baby, celebrating a baby’s arrival or planning for a baby. It can seem that everywhere you turn it is babies and pregnancy. I get it, you are heightened to these things but I can assure you it's not more than the norm around you, it's just your perception and it will decrease as you work through your grief. I have also heard how difficult normal, daily life chores/errands can be when suffering from this loss. Now that trip to Walmart is dreaded because you have to buy dog food which is across from the baby area. Now you are avoiding church services because of the babies present in the congregation. You don’t trust that you can hold it together if you see a baby or are asked about your pregnancy so you avoid and isolate. I have heard countless reports of things that are now difficult due to the grief. You are not alone and you won’t feel the need to avoid this all forever. It's my suggestion that you allow yourself to grieve and know that eventually you will get back to improved functioning. It is okay for you to delegate certain tasks for the time being.
Another topic that often comes up is when a friend or family announces their pregnancy, how do you respond? It has always been my advice that you take each situation differently and base it off your relationship with them. I know that many who have suffered this loss are often happy and excited for their friends or family members to become parents yet they are sad and hurting because any pregnancy can remind them of their loss. We are complex beings and all of this can be true and co-exist. Give your congratulations and talk to them if you feel it's appropriate about your feelings. Sometimes you might not partake in all the baby festivities and other times you will be able to. Talk to your loved one about how you can be a part of their journey or child’s life while still respecting where you are on your grief journey. If you experience jealousy or anger that a loved one is able to have a child, know that this doesn't make you an evil person, its quite a common feeling. Be mindful of this and perhaps talk to your support system about these feelings. Don’t let them grow and turn into actions that will cause damage to your relationship.
Overall, infant and pregnancy loss is a valid and very difficult type of loss that should be recognized. It is hard, scary and significant. Each loss matters and each can look and feel different. Your grief can and will more than likely look different over time but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Please be respectful of these losses and please allow yourself to grieve if you are going through it. Know that you are not alone and that your feelings are valid. If you feel you need further assistance with your grief there are many support groups around that could be beneficial or counseling can also help. You don’t need to suffer in silence.
The final part in this two part series will focus on how to support someone going through pregnancy or infant loss. Stay tuned.
*https://pregnancyafterlosssupport.org/
**https://www.who.int/news-room/spotlight/why-we-need-to-talk-about-losing-a-baby