This week we are continuing with some great information from Dr. Ross Greene’s book, The Explosive Child. Last week we started by questioning some of the traditional thinking about kids and their behavior, an encouragement to rethink our responses, and shifting our focus from a problem behavior to an unsolved problem. If you haven’t read last the blog from last week I’d encourage you to do so first. It is the foundation that this blog will rely on for figuring out how to solve some problems.
If you haven’t already printed a copy of the ASUP from www.livesinthebalance.org, please do because it’s time to start making a list of skills that might be lagging as well as a list of unsolved problems. Unsolved problems should be worded as, “(the child) has difficulty with (the problem).” There may be a long list of unsolved problems, and this is alright. It is best to keep the wording of these problems simple, and Dr. Greene gives 3 guidelines for this:
Don’t list the concerning behavior within the unsolved problem. Instead of, “Jimmy yells and screams when he’s told to wash the dishes.” Simply stick with, “Jimmy has difficulty when he’s told to wash the dishes.” This paves the way for less defensiveness when it’s time to discuss the problem with your child.
Don’t list your own theories within the unsolved problem. Why? Because we are often incorrect about the reasons. Don’t say, “Sarah has trouble getting up on time in the morning because she wants to sleep the day away.” As a rule, don’t include the word “because” in your statement of the unsolved problem.
Split up the list of unsolved problems instead of clumping them together. Instead of, “Mike has trouble completing his math, reading, and science homework on time,” split this up into 3 unsolved problems because there may be differences in the amount of missing work or different reasons for why each one is a problem.
At the end of this you might have 50 different unsolved problems, and while this is fine, there is no way to effectively deal with all of them at once. Prioritize your top 3 and make a decision to wait before addressing the others. Safety should take priority as you determine which problems to focus on first, followed by problems that are high in frequency of occurrence or having the most negative impact on your child’s life.
Dr Greene lists 3 different plans for how to address concerns about unsolved problems, but they are not listed in order of effectiveness:
Plan A: This is the traditional method of dealing with unsolved problems. Plan A is solving the problem without input from the child. This is when parents decide what is leading to the problem and make a decision about what happens next. In most cases, this is what we do, and if it were really effective, there wouldn’t actually be any more problems. It is potentially a necessary method, though, in high risk situations. A small child who is about to run into a busy road should be grabbed immediately, even if it upsets the child, but if this is an ongoing concern, there might be some solutions to find in Plan B.
Plan B: This is collaboratively solving problems with your child, and it contains 3 steps. 1. Empathy Step–this is where you dig for information from your child’s point of view about why it is hard for her to meet a certain expectation. 2. Define Adult Concerns–this is where you share why it feels important for the expectation to be met. 3. Invitation Step–this is where you and your child work together to find a solution that is realistic and mutually satisfactory.
Plan C: Putting the problem aside for now. This doesn’t mean giving up. You probably have a very valid reason for the expectation that your child is having trouble meeting, however, it isn’t prioritized as high as other problems. It isn’t giving up to set this aside for a little while, but the things that were lower priority might need to wait. Setting it aside while you concentrate on bigger concerns allows you the opportunity to put the focus on this when other problems are solved. Plus, by then you’ll have some successes under your belt, which will increase the likelihood of success with this problem as well.
The Empathy Step begins the collaborative process of Plan B, and Dr. Greene has prepared a script: “I’ve noticed (unsolved problem). What’s up?” Or, “I’ve noticed that you are having trouble going to sleep on time. What’s up?” There is a lot remaining in the book at this point because Dr. Greene spends the rest of it guiding parents through the conversation and finding solutions with their kids. This includes digging for answers and figuring out what to do when the kid simply says, “I don’t know.” He also addresses the idea that these methods avoid holding kids accountable or that they are too soft. What the methods do is shift thinking from punishing bad behavior to understanding what is causing a kid to have so much trouble meeting an expectation. By doing this kids are still expected to meet expectations, but they are given the tools to be able to do so.
For the purposes of this blog, we’ve gotten through the meat and potatoes of Dr. Greene’s research, and I fear that by squeezing all of his steps and strategies for making Plan B a success into a few paragraphs I’ll just water down the message. He has a lot of great advice for parents and schools in their desire to help kids with their unsolved problems. I highly recommend this book that is simultaneously packed with great information and is still a quick and easy read. If any of this sounds like concerns that you’ve been dealing with, do yourself a favor and grab a copy of, The Explosive Child.