What are your values? Depending on the context, this question can result in a variety of different types of answers. In therapy, figuring out values is often an important component because values serve as a direction to live our lives. I often use the metaphor of a map when I discuss values with clients because the destination points on a map are like our goals. If I set a goal, like setting a destination, I know when I reach it. If my goal is to make sure that my phone is down when I speak to my kids, I will know if I’m meeting that goal. Similarly, if my destination is St. Louis, I know I’m there because I see the signs. Values are different from our goals though. If a goal is like a destination (St. Louis), then values are a direction (west). A goal is a helpful part of living in the direction of my values, but values are bigger and they can never truly be reached. Just like I can never reach west, my values serve as something to always strive to move toward. My goal of putting my phone down while speaking to my kids can serve an overall value of having a close relationship with them.
Often when I start to speak with clients about values they don’t know what their values are because this isn’t necessarily something they’ve reflected upon. Stephen Covey wrote The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and gives an excellent (if maybe a little morbid) method for identifying values. He encourages people to write their own eulogy from the view of their older self after a life well lived. If we can imagine ourselves at the end of our lives reflecting on what our future self would be proud of, we can figure out our values. You can also consider what you would like people to say about you when your time is up. This is what is ultimately important to you. If you find yourself feeling unfulfilled and stuck, it may be because your actions and how you spend your time don’t match your values. To bring it back to the map, if my value is to go west, I’m not going to feel good when I find myself driving south.
So what does this all have to do with family values? Living in a way that honors our values is hard work. Maybe someone’s values are honesty, a strong work ethic, and a healthy sense of personal responsibility. It is definitely easier to lie, apply minimal effort, and blame others for problems and mistakes. Telling the truth (even when it’s difficult), working hard, and being willing to own up to problems and mistakes is significantly harder. When we aren’t living in a way that honors our values the result is a lack of fulfillment. When we aren’t fulfilled it also has a negative impact on our relationships with our family and loved ones. I’m willing to venture a guess that most folks who are married and/or have children would list their family as an important value. We all live busy lives, and it makes sense that we need to relax sometimes. Relaxing is necessary, but there are also situations where one partner feels that they are doing all of the work around the house while the other sits on their phone or in front of the tv. There are also children who feel that they are being ignored by their parents unless they’re getting yelled at. If this resonates with anyone, there’s no need to shame yourself, but maybe it’s time to ask yourself what actions would honor your values.
Another thing about values and family is that they are definitely shaped by family, but this is still complicated. Often we don’t just take on our parents’ values as our own. Even when values are similar, we have to make up our own minds along the way about what is important to us. Some people are simply not convinced of the importance of one of their parents’ values, so it may not ever be one that they internalize. Others may see things that they think their parents did wrong and decide to move in an opposite direction. As a parent, it can be frustrating when we see our children make choices that go against our personal idea of what is right and important. I’d like to invite readers to ask themselves, however, if their kids will be better suited for adulthood by blindly following authority or by making up their own minds about the direction in which they want to live their lives. I think that when we really dive into this concept of values we can understand that someone can share a value of ours or not, but this isn’t what determines whether or not they are a good person. This is something that has taken a long time for me to see, and truthfully, it’s still a concept that I struggle with. If I value honesty and you value community it doesn’t mean that you lie all the time or that I never do anything for the betterment of my town. It just means that our top priorities are different, and we place less emphasis on other things. Our family members may have similar values, but they won’t be exactly the same, and I’m suggesting that this is alright. My values determine what is most important to me, but my values don’t get to determine what is most important to you.