One of the things that I love about my job is the variety. Sure, there are a lot of commonalities that I see between people, such as similar diagnoses or presenting problems. There can be a lot that clients have in common with others, but the way that a given problem shows up in someone’s life is always different and unique. Talking with people and hearing them share the complexities of their lives, struggles, and successes is very interesting. I love helping people search for the answers that they’re struggling to find. Nonetheless, a very common thing that people struggle with is communicating with others in their lives. Many people feel misunderstood, even by the people that know them best. Today, that’s what we’re going to take a look at.
There are a variety of reasons that people have misunderstandings. The most obvious and innocent reason is that we all have different brains and different ways of understanding the world around us. I may be able to empathize with you, but that doesn’t mean I can truly “get” you. My wife and I run into this all the time, where I make sense of something in a very different way than she makes sense of it. This isn’t a problem; it’s just a difference.
In my experience, people tend to have significantly more difficulty in navigating misunderstandings where the other person becomes defensive. This is incredibly difficult because over time people start to anticipate this defensiveness and simply decide it isn’t worth bringing their concerns up anymore. To all those reading this who are parents, we (and yes, I’m including myself here) can be really bad about this. We want our kids to communicate with us, but I’ve heard a lot of kids and teens give me reasons why they don’t want to share their concerns with parents: “He’s not going to listen,” “She won’t let me talk,” “They’re just going to yell at me,” “I don’t really want to listen to an entire speech,” “She’s just going to say I’m calling her a bad mom,” “He gets so mad,” etc. This isn’t limited to minors, either. I’ve heard many adults say many of these same things about their own parents or about their spouse.
This is the reason why we counselors tend to be so fond of I-statements. When used correctly, this tool can help get around someone’s defensiveness. An I-statement is a way of phrasing a concern: “I feel ________ when you _________, please _________.” It sounds a little too easy, and yes, I’ll admit it also sounds a little hokey. When used correctly, though, they work. The reason they work is that they don’t match the usual arguments, which typically start with you-statements. Starting the sentence with “you” automatically pulls defensive people back into protection mode. Also, I’ve noticed that the second word in a you-statement is frequently “always” or “never.” That’s just easy argument bait right there. “You never listen to me!” will almost certainly be challenged with, “What are you talking about? I have to listen to your complaints every day!”
There are a couple of rules to use when using I statements. First of all, when you start with “I feel _______” you need to use a feeling, not a thought. “I feel like you’re a jack###” is NOT an I-statement. Brene Brown has compiled a list* of 87 emotions and experiences that you can check out if you’re having trouble deciding what the feeling is that you’re experiencing. (For the record, if this doesn’t come easy for you, you’re not alone). Also, I tend to think it’s helpful to be more specific than “I feel upset.” The word upset is often used as a replacement for a lot of very specific emotions. If you’re angry, say angry instead of upset because I guarantee that “upset” means something different to you than it does to me; however, we both know exactly what anger feels like.
For the second part of the I-statement, make sure to be specific. Being vague or mind reading about what someone is thinking also becomes argument-bait for the defensive person. Instead of saying, “I get hurt when you think that I’m not good enough,” try saying, “I get hurt when I work really hard on something and you make comments about my mistakes.”
The last part of the I-statement is all about what you want the person to do in the future. This is really important because it gives a clear indication of your needs. Again, the key is being specific. In the past, I’ve worked for bosses who have said not to bring them a problem without also bringing a possible solution, and I think that idea fits here. Letting them know what is bothering you is definitely the most important piece, but this last part of the I-statement is your opportunity to let someone know how you want to be treated. Don’t assume they will figure this out on their own.
Believe it or not, the fact that I-statements don’t feel natural contributes to how effective they can be. It will be different enough that the other person takes notice. The other part of why they work is that it is easy to argue with a you-statement, but it is hard to argue with someone telling you how they feel. Your emotions are strictly yours, and no one can actually tell you what you feel or don’t feel. I feel appreciative that you took the time to read this blog. Please check back next week.
*https://brenebrown.com/resources/atlas-of-the-heart-list-of-emotions/