In his song, Fruitcakes, Jimmy Buffett says, “Relationships! We all got ‘em. We all want ‘em. What do we do with ‘em?” Relationships are complicated. Why? Because people are complicated. We’re all our own unique mix of DNA and experiences. We’re all raised in families that have their own different values, though, any parent of more than one child can testify that even kids raised in the same home will still turn out nothing alike. Those that pursue romantic relationships look to find that special someone with personality traits, values, and quirks that fit together nicely with our own. The goal, for many, but not everyone, is a long-term commitment that is healthy and loving.
Dr. Sue Johnson, the creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy, (and one of my personal mental health heroes) points out the need for secure attachment in romantic relationships. Secure attachment is demonstrated through a warm sense of safety and security. Securely attached couples continue to feel that closeness with their partner, even when they are apart from one another. They trust each other, and they recover from problems quickly. They are open with each other and provide a safe place to land then times are tough. What most people don’t realize is that the foundations for attachment begin in infancy. When a parent is playing peek-a-boo with their baby, making faces, doing the airplane while they feed them, or tickling them, they aren’t just having fun with their child; they are building a bond of safety and attachment with them. When a baby cries and the parent comes to change their diaper, feed them and rock them back to sleep, the parent shows that baby over and over again that their needs will be met…that they are safe and loved.
Unfortunately, not everyone grows up in securely attached families. There are many families in which addiction, untreated mental illness, and trauma prevent children from forming a secure attachment to their primary caregiver(s). There are also plenty of families in which a parent’s work schedule cuts into bonding time with the child they are trying to provide for. This isn’t to say that these children are doomed to a life of solitude. Many people who were unable to form a secure attachment to their parents will still look back fondly at another trusted adult who provided them with safety and security.
Even those who were not securely attached as children can learn to form a secure attachment to their romantic partner. This happens first through a felt sense of safety. It is not possible to feel secure with someone that you fear, which is why it is so important to find someone that treats you with respect. Most couples counselors will not begin therapy with a couple that is experiencing ongoing domestic violence. This is why safety is the first step. If there is violence in a relationship, and a couple hopes to remain together, it is recommended that the abuser seeks his or her own individual therapy first to put an end to the pattern of abuse. My personal feelings, as a couples counselor, are that this is non-negotiable before I am willing to help a couple explore their relationship because safety is necessary in order to dig deep into their feelings.
For couples who are not experiencing violence but want to improve the quality of their relationship, I recommend reading Dr. Johnson’s book, Hold Me Tight. This is a powerful book that helps couples explore their attachment and begin to have conversations about their patterns within their relationship. Attachment wounds happen in damaged relationships, and it is within safe relationships that these wounds can be healed. I should add that I read Dr. Johnson’s book with purely academic intentions while I was undergoing training for couples therapy, and I still had major epiphanies about my own marriage.
Some signs of a healthy and secure relationship according to an article in Psychology Today by Dr. Abigail Brenner*:
Similar values and goals in life.
A strong sense of trust between partners, and the safety to discuss hard topics with one another.
Both romantic partners genuinely enjoy their time together and crave the company of one another. They typically have some shared activities and interests.
Both romantic partners are able to be true to themselves and maintain their own identity. There should be a trust between each person to be able to have friends and interests outside of the relationship as well. (Wanting to spend time with your romantic partner and wanting to have a life outside of that relationship are not mutually exclusive desires).
Each person encourages the other to continue to grow together and as individuals.
Both share their feelings…not just the surface level feelings, but the deep vulnerable feelings that lie beneath, as well as individual needs and wants.
The ability to compromise and respect each other's differences.
Realistic expectations of each other…not a fantasy.
Each person brings the best part of themselves to the relationship and contributes their fair share.
Healthy boundaries between partners and boundaries for friends, families, and employment outside of the relationship.
As I said, people are complicated, and so are our relationships. Take a look at the list above and ask yourself if you see these traits within your own relationship. Couples can certainly come together and improve things themselves through hard work and commitment to each other. In situations where they are stuck, they should consider couples counseling. A good couples therapist can help provide a safe place to explore problems between one another, look for solutions, and help them deepen their connection.
*Link to cited article by Dr. Brenner in Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-flux/201503/10-signs-youre-in-healthy-relationship