Why is it so hard for men to ask for help? As a man who has been on this planet for over 40 years, I’m not necessarily clear about the answer to that, myself. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), approximately half of women who have a diagnosable mental health problem seek treatment in a given year, while only 37% of men with a mental health condition seek treatment. Maybe some of these men are refusing to ask for help, but that answer seems a little too easy. I tend to think that, when it comes to human behavior, the answers usually aren’t easy. In fact, I think there are probably a wide variety of reasons that only a third of men who are struggling with their mental health are seeking treatment.
Now, I want to be clear that the terms “mental illness or mental health disorder” are umbrella terms. These terms include many disorders that most people have heard of: Depression, anxiety disorders, adjustment disorders, post traumatic stress disorder, schizophrenia, as well as others. Mental health disorders are all serious, though they differ drastically from one another. I point this out because I think there is a fear for a lot of people that they will be labeled as “crazy” for seeking mental health treatment. This term diminishes the difficulties that people have and perpetuates the stigma about pursuing help with their struggles. In my experience, people tend to come to counseling when they have been through something difficult, when they have inherited a problem that they didn’t ask for, or when something incredibly hard has happened to them. The diagnosis is just a way of making sense of that struggle and gives the professional a direction for treatment.
Back to the original question, of why men tend to be reluctant to get help when they are struggling with their mental health. Oftentimes, when we have a problem, the effects of that problem accumulate over time. There is an old metaphor about how a frog dumped into boiling water will leap back out, but a frog in water that slowly heats up won’t notice there is a problem until it is too late. I don’t know who was experimenting with these frogs, but mental health problems can slowly creep up on us, and we may not know how bad things have gotten until the suffering becomes extreme. A societal value for men is to be tough, power through, or man-up. To some degree, we should embrace difficulty. We do become stronger as we face challenges, but we also need to know when we need help getting through a challenge. Some key signs to look for that tell us that something is crushing you instead of giving you an opportunity for growth:
Your sleep is impacted, by way of having trouble sleeping or sleeping too long.
You notice a change in weight that wasn’t intentional through diet and exercise.
You feel overwhelmed multiple times throughout the week.
Anxiety or deep sadness becomes a regular part of the day.
You have trouble concentrating or making decisions.
You feel irritable or have a hard time finding pleasure in once-enjoyable activities.
Feelings of worthlessness or thoughts of suicide. This includes thoughts that the world might be better off without you.
Many men view themselves as fixers. We also tend to see ourselves as carrying the responsibility for keeping our families and loved ones safe. We may see it as our responsibility to, “by God, get the job done.” There is also societal pressure about what masculinity looks like, and those societal values may not always match one’s own values regarding masculinity. It seems that today many men feel confused by what society wants us to be because different parts of our society want different things from us. I think that all of these factors play a part in the reluctance that many men feel about getting help when they are struggling.
I’d like to throw a wrench into the normal view of toughness–the idea that a man should be able to shoulder all of his burdens and keep moving forward as though he is unaffected. Being tough isn’t about doing the easy thing. Losing our tempers and blowing up on the undeserving, that’s easy. Becoming violent because we don’t have the patience to talk a problem through and find a solution, that’s easy. Shutting down because we fear we might look weak if we show the deep, vulnerable emotions that are lying beneath the surface, that’s easy. If toughness is based on doing the hard thing, that means it takes true strength to face our problems and ask for help, even if it is scary. If you are tired of struggling alone, open up to a loved one, speak to your doctor, or contact a mental health professional. Facing something scary is how we show bravery, and if there was nothing to fear, we could never have the chance to be brave.