How many people have experienced bullying? I would venture a guess that most people have experienced it at some period in their lives. According to The National Center for Education Statistics, the average percentage of kids ages 12-18 who report being bullied during a given school year is 22%, but (perhaps not surprisingly) the rate is closer to 30% for middle school kids*. I think there are probably some people who would describe having a bully for a season of their life, and others who would say that it was much longer lasting. It is hard to find reliable statistics about the lifetime occurrence of bullying, but given that the statistics show percentages of bullying per school year, it is reasonable to assume that the lifetime occurrence is much higher.
What is bullying? Bullying isn’t the same as being mean. First of all, it involves an imbalance of power through size, age, or social status, in which the target of bullying feels powerless to stop it. Next, it needs to be repetitive. When I worked in schools there were definitely times that I would hear accusations about bullying that didn’t quite fit these criteria because kids do get mad at each other for a variety of reasons, they do sometimes say mean things about each other, and sometimes incidents were isolated instead of repeated. However, sometimes people think that if the aggressive behavior is back and forth it can’t qualify as bullying. This is incorrect. Even if someone is witnessed doing their best to “fight back” they might still be a victim of bullying. If a kid yells back but feels small or powerless against repeated aggressions from another, they are likely experiencing bullying, and they might also be feeling frustration that others aren’t taking them seriously.
Now, why is this a big deal or worth writing about? Well, first of all, any person who has experienced bullying will likely tell you that it was a truly awful feeling. The anecdotes that people share about their bullying experience may not hold a lot of data that can be generalized, but they help us to empathize with the experience. If we do want to look at clinical data, StopBullying.gov tells us that kids who experience bullying are more likely to experience increased depression or anxiety, more physical complaints, lower grades, and increased absences. However, they aren’t the only ones who have negative effects. Bystanders who witness bullying seem to have similar negative effects as the ones who are bullied themselves–perhaps because being in an environment where bullying takes place actually makes that environment feel less safe. Bullies themselves are at an increased risk of dropping out, substance abuse, fighting, trouble with the law, and eventually becoming abusive toward a romantic partner**.
What do we do about it? First of all, we need to make sure that our kids are able to talk about their feelings and concerns. As a former school social worker and as a parent I know that middle and high school kids are afraid of being called a “snitch.” This is a particularly frustrating label because it is seen as extremely negative, and it is all a result of someone not wanting to face accountability for their actions. ”If I make them think they're a snitch for telling on me, I can do what I want with impunity,” is the general thought. There is a different complication in elementary school because parents and teachers, who have good intentions, tell kids not to tattle. It is important for kids to hear that there is a difference between tattling and telling. They need to know that tattling is when a kid is trying to get someone in trouble for something that doesn’t have anything to do with them. Telling is what a kid is supposed to do when they need help from an adult. We adults need to make sure that when we do hear of these problems we handle them appropriately so that kids feel comfortable telling us again in the future. I can say from experience that teachers and administrators do take this seriously, and no school leader wants bullying in their school. Good leaders also do not tell bullies that the victim has reported them. Most commonly, they will say that another peer informed them of the problem, or they witnessed it on the security cameras. However, feel free to encourage this action if you or your child report bullying to an administrator.
The other important step is to help our kids to handle bully behavior. There is a great YouTube video by Brooks Gibbs that I love to show to teens who describe dealing with bullying. It can be found at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oKjW1OIjuw The whole video is phenomenal, but at 4 minutes and 25 seconds there is a skit that he includes which is especially powerful. Kids need safe and effective strategies to deal with this type of behavior. Adults can help to brainstorm responses that will be effective and keep their kids from getting in trouble or being seen as a bully, themselves. Considering that bystanders aren’t immune from negative effects, either, it stands to reason that we should talk to our kids about what to do when they witness bullying. They can inform teachers or administrators when they see a problem, but they can also discourage it socially. If enough kids stand together and say, “We don’t treat people like that around here,” bullying couldn’t exist.
It’s also important not to lose sight of the bully because most likely this is a kid that needs help. I can understand that it might be hard for the families of the victim to be empathetic toward the bully, but people who feel good about themselves generally don’t feel a need to tear others down. If a parent were to discover that their child is being a bully, consequences are appropriate, but so is taking an honest look at the reasons why they are taking their aggression out on others. Very likely, they need support too, not just their victim.
*https://nces.ed.gov/fastfacts/display.asp?id=719
**https://www.stopbullying.gov/bullying/effects