Sometimes I write these blogs because of an interesting book or article that I’ve read, something I saw on the news, or because of conversations I’ve recently had. Sometimes I get ideas based on something I’ve noticed myself struggling with. In writing about having patience with our children, my motivation is based on my own lack of patience. I think we all have periods of time where we aren’t our best for those we love. We can be madly in love with someone, and sometimes we’ll realize that we’ve been taking them for granted. Our kids can fill us with love and happiness, and yet, sometimes we just want them to be quiet and stop doing things that annoy us. This is all natural and normal. Let’s look together and find out what to do about it, though.
An excellent article on Psych Central* points out the importance of developing our patience because kids learn to manage their emotions by watching their parents. When we react negatively, we are inadvertently teaching them to do the same. Knowing this is one thing, but doing something about it takes some work. Dr. Mini Tandon, in a video** posted on St. Louis Children’s Hospital’s website encourages identifying the context. She suggests writing down when you notice yourself getting frustrated with your child, asking yourself what you’re doing and what the child is doing. Adjustments in your behavior coupled with adjusting your child’s activity might be able to make a difference.
Figuring out your triggers* is another good place to start. Maybe it is when the family is running late, or the kids are whining and arguing. By identifying the triggers, you can start to think of solutions that will prevent them, like setting out clothes the night before to prevent running late, distracting them with an activity when they whine, or telling them you won’t continue a conversation with them if they speak disrespectfully. Likewise, you can start to make a plan for when you know that you will feel impatient. Maybe that means taking a walk, stepping out of the room for a minute, or taking a deep breath before responding.
Refusal or oppositional behavior can be a big trigger for many parents, making us feel like we need to assert dominance or gain control of a situation. Sometimes, however, it is helpful to make ourselves curious about the reasons for their refusal. In fact, they might be showing us that they need support. One of the best special education teachers I’ve ever known was fond of saying that all behavior is communication. If we look for opportunities to provide* support, we may find that there is another reason for the behavior. We can still insist that rules be followed, but we can also show that we understand and validate their wants and their feelings.
Practicing yoga and mindfulness can be excellent tools for self regulation. In fact, it may be helpful for the parents (whether they’re struggling with patience or not) and the kids to practice this together. Mindfulness teaches us to be present and be more in touch with what is going on in our bodies. Yoga is a great calming exercise that incorporates mindfulness practice into the strength-building and stretching practice. Neither practice is new, but new research shows the numerous health and mental health benefits of both.
Dr. Tandon** also stressed the importance of self care in her video. I have a recent blog about this very topic, so I’m not going to go into detail about self care, but I will say that a common reason that people don’t take the time to care for themselves is the idea that it is somehow selfish. Dr. Tandon argues against this by saying that both you and your children deserve for you to be well taken-care-of. When you are taking care of your own needs, you are better able to help your children take care of their needs. She also points out the need for us to take care of our own basic needs, like sleep. If we can’t regulate ourselves, we can’t help regulate our kids.
Developing patience is hard. It requires ongoing intentional effort. It isn’t bad to acknowledge that you won’t always be perfect at it. When we do lose our patience, it is important to go back and repair damage by apologizing and making the relationship whole again. By doing the work listed above, though, you can build a stronger relationship with your children, and you can teach them how to develop their own patience by the example you set.
*https://psychcentral.com/blog/tips-for-being-more-patient-with-your-kids
**https://www.stlouischildrens.org/health-resources/pulse/how-develop-patience-your-kids