Last week we looked at some of the reasons why adulthood is so different for many young adults than it was in the past. However, there are still some interesting pieces of this concept to explore. When I was working as a school social worker I witnessed all the different ways that kids were asked what they wanted to be when they grew up. However, I don’t think many people realized the sense of pressure that kids would describe to me and the intense anxiety they felt about not having their entire future planned out. It is hard to help kids with this level of worry about their future learn to relax their grip and realize that it is alright to not have it all figured out. I changed my own major in college, as did many of my friends, and I saw others who started college undeclared find their paths. I’ve also watched young adults go straight into the workforce and try out different jobs before finding one that they wanted to stick with. Likewise, I have watched many adults change their well-established career path and go into something very different later on. Most adults have witnessed this as well, but within our culture, young people still feel immense pressure to figure out what they want to do “for the rest of their lives,” which by the way, is a phrase that isn’t very relevant anymore. Workers* ages 55-64 stay at jobs for an average of 9.8 years, but workers ages 25-34 only stay for an average of 2.8 years. While the days of staying at a job from age 20 until retirement might not be completely gone, neither are they still common. My suggestion for parents and adults who want to nurture forward thinking in teens without freaking them out is to help them develop their interests or ask if there’s a job that sounds like it might be kind of cool. Helping kids to think about what they enjoy without pressure is an effective way of encouraging them to give some consideration about their future.
There is also increased uncertainty* for young adults ranging from increasing living costs to the effects of a changing global climate. We also need to throw another wrench into this situation and acknowledge the fact that there are now substantially more options for a life or career path. This combination of uncertainty and increased options creates a need to have more time for exploration and developing a sense of identity. Society tells us that the markers of adulthood are (as listed last week) starting a career, beginning a long-term relationship, buying a home, and having kids, but studies show us that marriage and parenthood are now only considered to be markers of adulthood by 25% of the population. While older adults tend to rate this higher, younger adults are less convinced that this is necessary to be a “real adult.” Even more interesting, while having a career is generally considered a marker of adulthood by 57% of the population, younger adults rate this higher and older adults rank it lower. The majority of people (80%) define the top markers of adulthood as psychological traits like taking responsibility for life choices and independence. These markers, though, are more personal and hard to define. How responsible and independent a person feels is also subject to change based on mood or confidence.
While studies may suggest that the markers of adulthood are changing within many people, societal expectations haven’t evolved as much. The disconnect between societal and family expectations of adulthood vs. the realities for many young adults of taking longer to start long-term relationships, perceived instability/uncertainty in the workplace, and a lack of ability to purchase a home can create a lot of anxiety for these young adults. Educating ourselves of the norms for most people helps, but it doesn’t take away the sting of what we tell ourselves “should be.” This societal pressure can become internalized shame for many young people, and it takes time to develop the confidence to overcome these “shoulds.”
When we’re kids, it’s obvious to us who* the adults are. They’re in charge and they know what to do in every situation. Then we become the adults and we don’t know what the heck we’re doing. Most of us eventually realize that the older adults in our lives probably didn’t have a clue either. They were just doing the best they could with what they had. I think that for some people, that thought can bring comfort, but it could just as easily be very unsettling to know that the people they looked up to were just winging it. Either way, I don’t think this is a realization that comes quickly in adulthood, especially because the older adults may still be giving plenty of unsolicited opinions about exactly what the young adults should do. It takes a great deal of personal strength to decide, “I may not know exactly what I’m supposed to do as an adult, but neither did any of the adults who came before me.” Up until that confidence takes root, people tend to assume that everyone else has things figured out while they are struggling to understand how to become what they think they’re supposed to be.
I’ve watched this uncertainty freeze people in place. It all feels like too much so they, understandably, want to just avoid thinking about it. Unfortunately, this isn’t a great long-term solution, and I’ve never had anyone excitedly tell me they were stuck. It’s not always the case that these young adults have older family members breathing down their necks and giving unsolicited advice or (more often) criticism, but I can safely say that this doesn’t help. If you are a young adult who is not feeling like an adult, I want to challenge you to try to accept and embrace the uncertainty. Adam Grant, author of Hidden Potential, encourages everyone to try to avoid defining their sense of self based on where they are today, but instead focus on where they want to be in the future then start working toward that.
If you happen to be an older adult who is worried about a young adult in your life, please just remember to be kind. Those of us who are middle-aged and above may not have an easy time accepting it, but the world is very different for the young adults of today. The young adult that you are worried about may be carrying their own self-doubt and shame, so the only thing pressure and harsh criticism will do is make them feel worse about themselves and contribute to them being stuck. It is very possible to encourage forward thinking in a way that is kind and understanding, and that will probably be more effective in helping them move toward increased independence anyway.
* The New Grown-Up. Psychology Today Magazine, February 2025.