While writing the blog last week about using I-statements with defensive people I wanted to add some tidbits for people who notice that they sometimes become defensive. However, when I started to add that information it muddied the message I was trying to write about. I decided that it would be appropriate to follow up with a different blog altogether for people who get defensive but want to work on it. Defensiveness is a problem that interferes with relationships and breaks down communication. An article from Very Well Mind** says, “Being defensive means rushing to defend yourself when you’re faced with an uncomfortable situation, rather than listening and really talking about the problem.” The Gottman Institute, a fantastic resource for helping people with their relationships, goes a step further* to call defensiveness one of their “Four Horsemen” signifying major relationship problems. They say that while defensiveness is meant as a way of protecting oneself, it is perceived by others as blaming and not taking responsibility. Being defensive also means that people are simply reacting to another’s words, not actually listening to the meaning of those words. All of this comes together to create contempt for someone else, which, incidentally, is another of Gottman’s Four Horsemen.

People show defensiveness through the following** behaviors:

Making excuses–which all comes down to saying why we’re not responsible for a problem instead of taking ownership.
Deflecting blame–which says that the other person is also wrong, not just us, or maybe more wrong than we are.
Responding dramatically–which comes in the form of exaggerating someone’s message. “Oh, so I guess you think I’m just….”
Making false promises–which is all about trying to avoid conflict by promising something that we’ll be unable to fulfil.

Defensive reactions may occur for a variety of reasons**, such as perfectionism, fear, insecurity, difficulty handling emotions, behaviors that you’ve learned from others, or mental health conditions. The reasons for why we become defensive probably make a lot of sense, and are often grounded in some difficult experiences. However, even when the reasons make sense, if your behaviors are making your own life more difficult and hurting your relationships with the ones you love, you owe it to yourself to do the hard work of starting to change these behaviors.

Changing defensive behaviors starts** with listening. If you’re in an emotional discussion with someone and the words that want to come flying out of your mouth start with, “Yeah, well” or “But,” bite them back and try to first understand the speaker’s message. Asking for clarification is a great second step because it shows the speaker that you are listening to understand their point of view. Next, it’s time to take responsibility if you’ve done something that has hurt or upset someone else. There’s a lot of messages that say, “People are just too sensitive nowadays.” Maybe that’s right, but if you’ve hurt someone you love it’s time to consider your intentions and see if they match what was perceived. After taking responsibility, it might be helpful to ask what you can do differently in the future; though you should keep in mind that it isn’t a good idea to make promises you can’t keep. Then work to fix the problem. As you move forward, keep an eye to the things that cause you to become defensive, and work to set boundaries that won’t trigger those defensive reactions quite so easily.

For the record, we’re all defensive from time to time, especially when relationships are struggling*. One of the things I pointed out last week is that we, parents, can be especially prone to being defensive in communication with our children. It’s hard to remind ourselves, but after we’re done with the stressful (and often thankless) job of raising our kids, we want to have a relationship with them that encourages them to keep coming around. They, like all of us, will spend the majority of their lives as adults, not as kids. I think that, in some ways, it might be easier to work on being defensive with a partner, especially if we’ve committed to spending our lives with them, than with our children. With our kids, we know that their happiness in the moment takes a back seat to their overall wellbeing, and we also know that we’re older, wiser, and frequently know better than they do. However, if we take shortcuts in listening, assume they don’t know what they're talking about, blow them off, or react defensively when they speak, we’re damaging our relationship with them. There is a definite difference between making them upset with us vs. wounding the relationship. Realistically, our kids are also entitled to having some real gripes with us from time to time as well. Becoming less defensive is a great way to teach them through example about the type of respect that we want to see from them as well.

*https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-defensiveness/

**https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-stop-being-defensive-7187366

One of the things that I love about my job is the variety. Sure, there are a lot of commonalities that I see between people, such as similar diagnoses or presenting problems. There can be a lot that clients have in common with others, but the way that a given problem shows up in someone’s life is always different and unique. Talking with people and hearing them share the complexities of their lives, struggles, and successes is very interesting. I love helping people search for the answers that they’re struggling to find. Nonetheless, a very common thing that people struggle with is communicating with others in their lives. Many people feel misunderstood, even by the people that know them best. Today, that’s what we’re going to take a look at.

There are a variety of reasons that people have misunderstandings. The most obvious and innocent reason is that we all have different brains and different ways of understanding the world around us. I may be able to empathize with you, but that doesn’t mean I can truly “get” you. My wife and I run into this all the time, where I make sense of something in a very different way than she makes sense of it. This isn’t a problem; it’s just a difference.

In my experience, people tend to have significantly more difficulty in navigating misunderstandings where the other person becomes defensive. This is incredibly difficult because over time people start to anticipate this defensiveness and simply decide it isn’t worth bringing their concerns up anymore. To all those reading this who are parents, we (and yes, I’m including myself here) can be really bad about this. We want our kids to communicate with us, but I’ve heard a lot of kids and teens give me reasons why they don’t want to share their concerns with parents: “He’s not going to listen,” “She won’t let me talk,” “They’re just going to yell at me,” “I don’t really want to listen to an entire speech,” “She’s just going to say I’m calling her a bad mom,” “He gets so mad,” etc. This isn’t limited to minors, either. I’ve heard many adults say many of these same things about their own parents or about their spouse.

This is the reason why we counselors tend to be so fond of I-statements. When used correctly, this tool can help get around someone’s defensiveness. An I-statement is a way of phrasing a concern: “I feel ________ when you _________, please _________.” It sounds a little too easy, and yes, I’ll admit it also sounds a little hokey. When used correctly, though, they work. The reason they work is that they don’t match the usual arguments, which typically start with you-statements. Starting the sentence with “you” automatically pulls defensive people back into protection mode. Also, I’ve noticed that the second word in a you-statement is frequently “always” or “never.” That’s just easy argument bait right there. “You never listen to me!” will almost certainly be challenged with, “What are you talking about? I have to listen to your complaints every day!”

There are a couple of rules to use when using I statements. First of all, when you start with “I feel _______” you need to use a feeling, not a thought. “I feel like you’re a jack###” is NOT an I-statement. Brene Brown has compiled a list* of 87 emotions and experiences that you can check out if you’re having trouble deciding what the feeling is that you’re experiencing. (For the record, if this doesn’t come easy for you, you’re not alone). Also, I tend to think it’s helpful to be more specific than “I feel upset.” The word upset is often used as a replacement for a lot of very specific emotions. If you’re angry, say angry instead of upset because I guarantee that “upset” means something different to you than it does to me; however, we both know exactly what anger feels like.

For the second part of the I-statement, make sure to be specific. Being vague or mind reading about what someone is thinking also becomes argument-bait for the defensive person. Instead of saying, “I get hurt when you think that I’m not good enough,” try saying, “I get hurt when I work really hard on something and you make comments about my mistakes.”

The last part of the I-statement is all about what you want the person to do in the future. This is really important because it gives a clear indication of your needs. Again, the key is being specific. In the past, I’ve worked for bosses who have said not to bring them a problem without also bringing a possible solution, and I think that idea fits here. Letting them know what is bothering you is definitely the most important piece, but this last part of the I-statement is your opportunity to let someone know how you want to be treated. Don’t assume they will figure this out on their own.

Believe it or not, the fact that I-statements don’t feel natural contributes to how effective they can be. It will be different enough that the other person takes notice. The other part of why they work is that it is easy to argue with a you-statement, but it is hard to argue with someone telling you how they feel. Your emotions are strictly yours, and no one can actually tell you what you feel or don’t feel. I feel appreciative that you took the time to read this blog. Please check back next week.

*https://brenebrown.com/resources/atlas-of-the-heart-list-of-emotions/