Making changes in our lives is a very difficult thing to do. We can know something is bad for us, and still do it anyway. We can crave something, but that still doesn’t necessarily mean that we will successfully work toward having it or sustain our efforts if we begin the work of change. Don’t get me wrong, though. Just because change is difficult, that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. We see success stories all the time. The trick is figuring out how to become one of those success stories ourselves.
Some reasons why change can be so difficult* include:
The goal might not be very meaningful to you. If the change you’re seeking is for someone else or because you think there’s a societal expectation that you should change, it may not necessarily match your values. If this is the case, you won’t be as motivated to work on the change.
The distance between where you are and where you want to be can be very uncomfortable to consider. This can be so uncomfortable that people put off change in order to avoid these feelings.
Maybe it is hard to commit to a course of action. Sometimes we can get so bogged down with trying to make the perfect choice that we get stuck in inaction. If you make the wrong choice, you’ll figure it out along the way, but you’ll also have gained some momentum and insight by trying something.
The feeling that you “should” be farther along by now often creates shame and may even reason that it’s too late to do anything. I’ve written before about shame, and the point remains the same; shaming ourselves robs our motivation to do anything different.
Unrealistic expectations can play a part, particularly for those who tend to be perfectionists. It can create a line of reasoning that says, “If I can’t do this perfectly, there’s no point.” Perfectionists keep themselves stuck by playing it safe. In order to ever really become great at something, we have to risk failure. If we’re not willing to risk that the change we seek will take time and a few failed attempts, we can prevent ourselves from making any progress at all.
Another thing to consider about change is that our brains actually make change difficult. There are regions of the brain that are only concerned with efficiency. No conscious thought takes place in these areas, just making what we do easier. These areas of the brain do not care whether our habits are healthy or not, just how easy it is to do them. It takes a long time to get these areas to help us make new habits more efficient. In the meantime, there is a struggle between our rational brain** and emotional brain. Our rational-thinking regions of the brain know what is good for us and what we should do. This is what we use for willpower. Then there’s the emotional areas of the brain, which are not actually capable of thinking far ahead. These regions want rewards, and they want them now. Also, the emotional regions of our brains tend to be stronger. I like to think of the rational brain as a sprinter. It is immediately powerful and bursts ahead. The emotional brain is a distance runner. It can easily catch up to and overtake rational thinking.
This sounds pretty hopeless, right? Don’t worry, it’s not. The thing we have to do is spend the time needed to really work on our mindset. If we are thoughtful and intentional we can match these seemingly incompatible areas of the brain for specific tasks. Let’s imagine a man with young children who has been told that he has a high risk of heart attack. The doctor recommends major dietary changes and that the man begin an exercise program. If the man only starts to make these changes in order to get his doctor off his back, he will probably fall into old habits the first time that he craves ice cream after work. Imagine what would happen instead if the man begins to think that a heart attack brings a risk that he won’t have a chance to see his children grow up. He will be able to weigh the ice cream cone that he wants against his desire to walk his daughter down the aisle. He will weigh the desire to skip the gym against his desire to watch his youngest graduate from high school. After enough time goes by, he will have created healthy habits, and he will no longer be battling between his emotional brain and his rational brain.
Some things that we want to change are so rooted in emotional baggage and difficult life experiences that we can’t necessarily change them alone. That is where we can acknowledge that we might need help. Counseling can be a great resource for those who seek change, but are having trouble doing it on their own. Just know that even if you’ve failed in the past to create the change that’s important to you, you’ve probably also learned a few things along the way that will help the changes to finally stick when the time is right.