I was recently finishing another great book and thought to myself that I’d like to write a blog about my favorite self-help/personal growth books. Then it hit me that my partners are avid readers as well, and together, we could probably come up with a pretty amazing list. Going by alphabetical order of our first names, Lois wins the first blog. Below is a list of some of her favorite books to recommend.

Love and Aspergers, by Kate Mcnulty, LCSW. This book was written by a therapist who discovered, through her own research on high functioning autism, that she actually had high functioning autism (formerly known as Asperger’s). This book is written for couples in which one person is neurodivergent (or on the autism spectrum), while the other is neurotypical (not on the autism spectrum). One of Lois’s favorite takeaways from this book is the Communication Matrix. Imagine a big plus sign, and at the top is written the word Kind while the bottom has the word Unkind. The left side of the plus features the word Honest while the right side has the word Dishonest. Couples for whom one of them is neurodivergent often have a very different way of thinking and experiencing the world around them. Those who are neurodivergent can also be very literal in their communication and unable to read subtleties and pick up on hints. The matrix encourages people to think about the things they say, and phrase honest statements in a way that is kind because it respects both the person who is speaking and the person who is receiving the information. Lois says that the underlying message of this book is that everyone can learn, grow, and change. It gives some great action steps to help allow positive changes to happen.
The Upward Spiral, by Dr. Alex Korb. This is a great book that is centered around the idea that depression doesn’t have one cause, but instead has a series of interrelated negative influences that create a downward spiral. Conversely, the way out of depression is through relying on a series of interrelated positive changes that create an upward spiral. Lois really likes how this book points out that there are roadblocks in the depressed brain that make it hard to overcome habits and behaviors, and that being mad at ourselves isn’t helpful for creating change. In this book, Dr. Korb lists many different actions that can create an upward spiral by influencing other actions that we can take as well. We actually have a whole blog series about this book on our website too.
You Can’t Make Me, by Dr. James Ball. Lois says that this book is all about working toward positive changes that parents would like to see in their kids. There are great examples and situations listed throughout the book, and Lois says that this book does a great job of helping parents understand their child’s point of view. It helps parents identify possible triggers for their children as well as some unspoken expectations that parents may actually be holding. Lois really likes how this book discusses the importance of relationships between parents and their children and helps parents to examine the function of their child’s behavior. Understanding the “why” behind a child’s behavior can help parents craft meaningful consequences and effective discipline. In doing so, this book helps parents to look at their own behaviors to understand that they are also responsible for making changes in themselves in order to encourage positive changes in their children.
It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok, by Megan Devine. This is one of Lois’s favorites on the topic of grief. It is written by a therapist who’s husband passed away. This book discusses how death is viewed in the U.S. and points out some of the stupid things that others say to people who are grieving (most likely with good intentions). It talks about what life is like after a loved one passes and effectively addresses the impact of anxiety on the grieving process. Lois was especially moved by the description of grief because the author says that it isn’t about recovery, moving on, or going back to normal. Others may not see the wounds that remain after the loss of a loved one. The devastation may always exist beneath the healing that occurs, but this doesn’t mean that a person will always be broken. Instead of moving on, the author encourages the reader to think of grieving as “moving with.”
Will I Ever Be Good Enough–Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, by Dr. Kayrl McBride. Lois found this book to be eye opening to the concept that some mothers actually view their daughters as competition. This book features a questionnaire that helps readers determine if their mothers actually have narcissistic traits. It helps people to recognize when there is a problem, understand how it affects their life, and then understand how to end this legacy. It also helps the reader figure out how to move forward with a narcissistic mother in their lives as an adult. Lois found it particularly insightful that the author makes a point to help the reader realize that there isn’t a way for anyone to win their mother’s love. This is important because we can’t earn anyone’s love. We can only accept love from those that are able to offer it.

I hope you enjoyed this list of great recommendations from Lois. Come back next week to find out about another one of our partner’s suggestions.

Last week I briefly referenced a book called The Upward Spiral by Dr. Alex Korb. I have found that many of the books I recommend to clients go unread because people live busy lives, some people just don’t enjoy reading, and frankly, most people aren’t mental health nerds like me who find this stuff fascinating. This means that when I come across a particularly good book I sometimes want to share it on this blog. The ideas and points that I will be sharing today come from Dr. Korb, and while I’m happy to be a messenger, I don’t want to take credit for his work, so assume that anything particularly helpful comes from him.

First of all, this book is centered on the idea that an event or couple of events can trigger a downward spiral into deep depression. I think it’s safe to say that most people who have dealt with depression in their lives would agree with that. Just like something can trigger this downward spiral, though, we can do things that will cause an upward spiral as well. Not only this, if people can figure out what contributes to their negative spirals, they can take steps to avoid them. He calls depression a communication and regulation problem between the thinking and feeling parts of the brain. Dr. Korb spends some time discussing different regions of the brain, and while it is very interesting and helpful, I’m not going to include that for the sake of space. However, the takeaway is that our brains are complex and not everything happening in the brain is at a conscious level. When we have bad habits or we’re stuck in a rut, there are parts of the brain that might be working against us. While we can consciously overrule our desires and impulses, it takes a lot of effort, and sometimes we can legitimately run out of willpower.

I will mention some of the neurotransmitters and brain chemicals that Dr. Korb brings up because we can actually change the levels of them with our actions.

Serotonin: involved in willpower and regulating moods, and we can increase it with exercise, gratitude, and sunlight.
Dopamine: involved with habits and enjoyment, and it can be increased through enjoyable activities, exercise, gratitude, and social connection.
Norepinephrine: helps with regulating stress, and it is increased through exercise, sleep, and increased sense of control.
Oxytocin: key in building connections with others, and it is increased through gratitude, physical touch, social supports, and music.
Endorphins: help with euphoria and pain reduction, and they are increased through exercise, stretching, massage and physical touch, and social connections.
Endocannabinoids: involved in peacefulness and pain reduction, and increased through exercise.
Melatonin: helps us sleep, and it is increased through sunlight and exercise.
GABA: helps reduce anxiety and is, interestingly, increased with yoga.
BDNF: is responsible for strengthening and growing neurons, and it is increased with exercise.
Cortisol: the stress hormone, and it is decreased (this is a good thing) through exercise, deep breathing, relaxing music, good sleep, and mindfulness.

You may have noticed that many of the ways to positively impact our brain chemistry are the same: exercise, sunlight, gratitude, social connections, etc. By making positive changes, we can actually change (for the better) the structure of our brains. I think this is important because telling someone that exercise can help adjust their brain chemistry so that their mood is altered is different from saying that exercise will make them feel better.

Anxiety often accompanies depression. It isn’t uncommon for people to have a diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. On the surface, they might seem like opposites, but they are definitely related. Anxiety isn’t necessarily a bad thing, though. The brain’s primary objective is survival, and anxiety does actually make us more aware and keeps us safe. Recommendations for reducing anxiety when it feels overwhelming are:

When struggling with indecision, accept that even the wrong decision will be more helpful than not making any choice at all. (The band Rush taught us that, “If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice.”)
Focus on what you can control in a situation, not what you can’t.
Take slow deep breaths to activate the parasympathetic nervous system for calming.
Aim for “good enough” and don’t expect perfection. (We have the chance to learn and grow through our whole lives, and while we can’t be perfect, we can alway continue to improve).
Don’t catastrophize situations. We may be programmed to think of the worst-case-scenario, but that isn’t usually reality.
Be mindfully present in the here and now.

The next thing discussed in the book is focusing on the negative. First of all, our brains are all wired in a way that the negative stands out more than the positive. This is probably a survival strategy that humans developed in order to notice danger. It is definitely true, though, that some people have more of a bias toward the negative than others, and when one’s mood becomes more negative, they are even more likely to notice negative events. Not only that, they are more likely to have an easier time recalling painful memories than happy ones. They may pay extra attention to their mistakes and beat themselves up for them. It’s also interesting to note that the reason we all notice our mistakes so much more than our successes is that part of our brain is trying to help us learn, and it isn’t necessarily a conscious part. To combat this tendency toward pessimism, Dr. Korb recommends beginning to imagine that things could get better. I’m aware that this seems a little too simple, but the areas of the brain that are activated by this process help regulate the “alarm” area of the brain. Activities that increase serotonin and norepinephrine (see above) will be especially helpful in becoming less negative-focused.

This book has a lot of good information. Too much, in fact, to be able to cover it all in a single blog. Come back next week and we will continue to dive into the book.