My wife is a podcast junkie. I say that lovingly, of course. She especially likes Armchair Expert by Dax Sheppard, and a little while back she was telling me about an episode that featured a guest named Vanessa Marin. Vanessa is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in helping couples with sex-related problems. As she was telling me about it, the mental health nerd in me became very curious, so I decided to give the episode a listen. I was really impressed with Vanessa’s insights, and I decided to read her book, Sex Talks. So much of what was covered in this book sounded exactly like what couples frequently share with me in counseling sessions, so I just had to write about it. Assume that any good information in this blog comes directly from Mrs. Marin, and that anything that isn’t helpful was my problem translating. The book is easy to read, written in plain language (without mental health jargon), and it emphasizes communication above all else. Frankly, I think that any adult would benefit from this book. It isn’t about teaching sexual techniques or talking about how often people should be having sex. It’s about acknowledging that adult romantic relationships are also sexual relationships, and that open communication is the key to a more enriching sex life.
I can imagine that some people might want to know that at times there is language in the book that some people might have problems with. I would hope that wouldn’t prevent people from obtaining this useful information, but I know that some people don’t like cussing. However, I don’t think the language would be considered gratuitous by anyone. Restorative Solutions Counseling is a small company located in a fairly conservative area, so I feel the need to keep the blogs I post as “PG” as possible, which is why I will make some edits. Vanessa frequently refers to the “f***ing fairy tale” as the notion that sex is supposed to be like they show in the movies: their eyes meet from across the room, they tear off clothes as they smack into the walls while moving down the hall, simultaneously orgasm within moments of reaching the bed, followed by satisfied heavy breathing as they collapse under the sheets afterward. This fairy tale would have us believe that sex is always supposed to be effortless, require no communication, and be intensely satisfying every time. I remember Jeff Foxworthy saying in an old stand up that after many years, “I know the combination to my wife’s safe.” This was a pretty funny line, but I think that most married people know that the combination to their partner’s safe can change sometimes or even every time.
When reality doesn’t match the fairy tale people can feel like failures, but Vanessa argues that folks tend to be way too hard on themselves about sex. Sometimes people feel that they don’t have much drive, and there are many things that can contribute to low libido that have nothing to do with your attraction to your partner. Stress is probably the number one sex-drive killer. Cortisol is a stress hormone that wreaks all kinds of havoc on our bodies, including damaging desire or arousal (and yes, those two terms are listed separately on purpose). The second thing for many couples happens when they have kids. Babies require frequent attention, little kids sometimes come into their parents’ room after a nightmare, and teens cause us to constantly worry. On top of this, running a family is exhausting and parents may feel too tired to finish the night by fooling around. As many as 67% of couples find their relationship less satisfying after they have kids, and they may feel too run down to do the work on their relationship. Couples who feel less connected also tend to have less sex.
Rejection is another factor in long-term relationships. At some point someone is going to have a headache, and it is natural and normal for someone to turn down their partner from time to time. If not discussed, though, these “not tonight” responses can feel like rejection, which can lead to shame and embarrassment. In the long run, these feelings can create a reluctance to initiate sex. Notice that I said it is the feelings that complicate things, though, not the word no. Anyone is allowed to decide that they don’t want sex at any given time, and feeling pressured into sex doesn’t lead to a satisfying experience either. Sexual perfectionism is another libido killer. The fairy tale has us believe that we are all supposed to be naturally amazing in bed and know exactly how to please our partner without really discussing what does it for them…oh, and that we’re supposed to be able to look sexy at all times too. People can get easily hung up on the idea that they need to be perfect in bed in order to please their partner, and this can place people in their heads instead of in the moment. We can all get into these perfectionist places due to our own sexual histories and the fact that our bodies change as we get older, but a person doesn’t have to be a chiseled specimen to have a fulfilling sex life or to give their partner pleasure.
This book review is going to be broken up into one of those multi-part blogs, so the last thing I want to mention today is about Vanessa’s information about the two sex drive types. There is physical arousal and mental desire, and people experience both of these in separate orders. Physical arousal is when blood rushes to the genitals, causing erections or lubrication, but desire is when sex sounds good. Most people tend to think that desire comes first, and for about half of people this is reality. These folks have spontaneous desire. They think about sex, they want sex, and then they become aroused. The other half of people have responsive desire, which is to say that they find themselves interested in sex after they’ve become physically aroused. The responsive desire individuals find that when they’ve been making out or fooling around with their partner they start to think that sex sounds really good. The fairy tale would have us all believe that everyone is supposed to be the spontaneous type, but that isn’t reality. Men are more often spontaneous types and women are more often responsive, but there are plenty of responsive men and spontaneous women. Neither type is better. The spontaneous types might think it’s great to randomly think about sex at different times of the day, while responsive types might feel more mindfully in the moment of physical intimacy. On the other hand, spontaneous types might have times where their bodies don’t cooperate with what their mind wants and have anxiety about performance, while responsive types (who don’t even realize that this is a thing) might think that they are just never in the mood for sex.
Vanessa recommends that people give some thought to their sexual boundaries as they start to consider conversations that they’d like to have with their partners. Sometimes we think of boundaries as what we don’t want, but this list can also include things we want and curiosities. Sex seems like it should be a fairly simple thing for couples (who regularly see each other naked) to talk about, but some topics can feel loaded and it can be easy for people to become defensive. Next week we will dive into the discussion process that Vanessa recommends.