I’ve mentioned the word boundaries frequently in this blog, especially in regard to friendships and romantic relationships. I haven’t really addressed boundaries in regard to parent-child relationships, though. When I say “parent,” I intend to refer to whoever is in a parenting role, and this doesn’t always mean biological parents. Sometimes the parent is a grandparent, aunt, or uncle. Sometimes the parent is a family friend, and I’ve even witnessed teachers take on a portion of a parenting role with someone long after that child has left their classroom. Obviously, the word parent also includes foster or adoptive parents as well. Adulthood creates an opportunity for very different relationships with whomever filled the role of parent in our lives. Often this is an opportunity for a relationship that can exist without the power imbalance that happens while a child is being raised. Sometimes this transition between parents and adult children happens with ease, sometimes it is a little rocky, and sometimes it is very difficult.
I have found that it seems to be easiest for people to set boundaries with their parents when good boundaries and mutual respect have been modeled for them. In other words, if you need to set a lot of boundaries with your parents, they may not have really prepared you to do this, and it will probably be difficult. If you don’t need to set a lot of boundaries with your parents, they probably did prepare you, and any boundaries you have to set may not be difficult for you.
I found a great article from PsychCentral about this topic. They point out that setting good boundaries with parents prevents resentment, gives us good attachment experiences, and allows people to be themselves. This article gives some good indications that setting some boundaries with your parents is necessary:
There is a history of helicopter parenting
They drop by your home without calling first
They are taking up too much time and preventing you from getting things done
They give unsolicited opinions
They interfere with your work, relationships, or your own parenting
They attempt to control your decisions
They compare you to others or make too many negative comments about you
They use emotional blackmail or guilt trips on you
They refuse to listen to your preferences
There is a flip side, however, and that is the possibility that maybe they need to set boundaries with you. Signs* of this would be:
You go to their house without calling first
You do your laundry there or have your bills sent to their home (beyond some sort of temporary agreement due to financial problems or need)
You don’t attempt to problem-solve your own concerns before calling them for help
You are enmeshed in their lives
They know inappropriately personal details about your relationships, or people in your life frequently hear you start sentences with, “My parents say we should….”
You judge yourself to be emotionally immature about adult experiences
When we must set boundaries, know that there is a difference between a boundary and an ultimatum. A boundary is telling someone what we want them to do and then following up with something that we will have to change if our preferences aren’t respected. An ultimatum is telling someone to change their behavior, or else. A boundary might be, “If you continue to speak to me in a disrespectful way, I’m going to have to turn off my phone for a couple of hours so that we can both calm down.” An ultimatum might sound like, “Don’t you dare say that to me again! If you do, I’ll never talk to you again” Some of the subtle difference between a boundary and an ultimatum has to do with our tone of voice and the words we use. Just remember, ultimatums make people defensive, while boundaries are clear ways of telling others what we want.
Setting boundaries* can be very awkward in the beginning, especially if there haven’t been clear boundaries from the start. I tell clients sometimes that we have to walk with the awkwardness a little while before it becomes familiar enough that the awkwardness fades. Keep working on it, and give yourself some grace to make mistakes along the way. A closer, resentment-free relationship with your parents just might be worth some short-term discomfort and readjustment.
*https://psychcentral.com/relationships/setting-boundaries-with-parents