Who amongst us hasn’t been blind to the faults of someone for whom we’ve had strong feelings? I recently saw an anonymous quote that said, “Red flags don’t look red through rose-colored glasses.” I would venture to guess that the only way for this not to happen is to never fall for anyone. That sounds incredibly lonely. To be clear, I’m not talking about overlooking quirks or minor annoyances in a partner. People are all different, and when you get close to someone, chances are good that you’ll think there are a few things about them that are weird. The quirks and eccentricities can become something that you either get used to or start to think are cute.
When we get close to someone, we can start to see what they are capable of. We figure out their hopes and dreams, as well as the things that are important to them. This isn’t just in romantic relationships, either. This also happens with family and very close friends. As we get to know people on a deep, personal level, we also see what they are capable of being. Sometimes, we might even start to see a side of them or a potential that isn’t as obvious to others. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a bad thing. This closeness might show us that someone has the ability inside of them to be a good parent, a strong leader, or a brilliant business person. It may also show us that they have the ability to rise above difficult circumstances, change some bad habits, or start to control their addictions. The thing about the potential that you see, is that you are probably right. They probably have the ability to do everything that you see within them. However, we must remember that potential only shows us what a person is capable of; it doesn’t predict what they will do.
The problem with potential is that we can only achieve what we work on. For instance, what if I have a friend who has the potential to be a great artist? If this friend were to work hard and develop his skills, he could demonstrate a lot of skill. However, what if this friend never picks up a brush? What if along the way people ridiculed him anytime he showed an interest in artwork, causing him to become self-conscious about this side of himself? What if he just always told himself, “I’ll give that a try someday” but never actually stops procrastinating? Regardless of the potential that may be inside of him, he’ll never become an artist if he doesn’t ever start doing the work.
This is the dark side of potential, and a common time that this preoccupation with someone’s potential is after a breakup. Learning to let go of someone that they’ve practiced loving for a long time isn’t easy, even when they know the person wasn’t good for them. Part of the grieving process involves doubts. (We don’t just grieve death, we grieve when someone leaves our lives). These doubts will frequently be about whether they made the right decision in letting someone go. The doubts aren’t just made complicated by a sense that the other person had the potential to change, but also by the fear that the other person might finally become who they were always capable of being–just too late. I’ve had many clients tell me after a breakup that they saw something special in someone, but they felt a sense of hurt or disappointment when that person was unwilling or unable to work on developing that special side of themselves. Maybe they spent years hoping that the person would get their life together, or maybe they’ve been waiting for that person to finally start treating them with respect and care. Those who see something special in a loved one are probably able to see this potential because the person likely wants to develop themselves. Almost certainly, the person would like to bring out the best parts of themselves…I think most people do. However, sometimes there are a variety of things that hold people back, like trauma, low self-esteem, addictions, or procrastination.
The point of this blog isn’t to stop believing in people or in their potential. It is more about examining our feelings toward others, and this is never simple. We should provide support and acceptance to those we care about. We also have to be willing to finally acknowledge that a good person can continue to make bad choices. It is understandable and acceptable to know when it is time to stop allowing ourselves to be hurt by waiting around for someone to finally live up to their potential, and it is also understandable that the difficulty surrounding this idea doesn’t stop automatically when a relationship ends. Maybe the doubts they experience have more to do with loving who the person used to be or who they were capable of being, but this doesn’t necessarily mean that they still love who the person actually is. It takes time and the support of close friends and family in order to work through this. People can reach their potential when they’re doing the work. However, if they never try, it may always remain out of reach.