I recently read an interesting article in the January/February issue of Psychology Today magazine. The title is about getting one’s partner to open up to them, but like the saying goes, “It takes two to tango,” so I’d like to focus on what couples can do to open up to each other. The article* later goes on to talk about how when we are trying to get someone to change something about themselves, we are actually seeking to assert some level of control over them. Most would probably agree that this is not something that they actually want. Considering this, a better question people should be asking is what is keeping their partner from opening up. In a subtle way, this phrasing also assumes that things can get better.
Becoming intimate with another person is sometimes used as a euphemism for sex, but intimacy is more about sharing with a partner. The author of the Psychology Today article* says that intimacy is about opening up about our hopes, fears, and dreams and being able to trust that what you share will be handled with respect. Isn’t that what we all want? This sharing can seem easy at the start of a relationship. Vanessa Marin, in her book, Sex Talks, (which I will probably be writing about as soon as I finish the book) brings up the differences in brain chemistry in the early stages of a relationship compared to a few years in. Being around a brand new dating partner floods the brain with dopamine and serotonin (which are associated with anticipation and reward), and it can be like this for up to the first couple of years. However, after some time together, the neurochemicals associated with a partner change to oxytocin and other bonding chemicals. Thinking about it this way, it seems pretty obvious that the way we interact in a relationship would change as it progresses because the literal brain chemistry is changing as well.
What is it that keeps people from being able to open up to their partner? How much time do you have? This could take a book to answer completely, but since these blogs are meant to be read in 5 minutes, we will stick to the *basics:
Gender socialization–Many men have grown up thinking that emotional vulnerability is the same as weakness. However, regardless of how much a person may not want to feel something, humans have feelings. Also, all humans have all feelings, whether they are in touch with those feelings or not. We can’t just not feel sad, hurt, or lonely, but many people (yes, men in particular) have learned to express those feelings through anger instead. Anger feels safer and stronger than some other feelings. This is very limiting, though, and it keeps couples from understanding each other.
Family of origin dynamics–Some people come from families where emotions were not discussed or acknowledged. Others grew up in families where it wasn’t safe to express their feelings. In both of these situations, kids grow into adults who don’t know how to share (or are afraid to share) with their partner.
Racism, sexism, or other isms–Bigotry and discrimination that some people experience can lead to a fear that sharing their feelings or experiences will be ignored or used against them in some way.
The article suggests the following steps* to help couples open up to each other:
Plan out a time to talk that both feel they would be able to give their full attention to each other. Also consider times and places when both tend to feel closer.
“Rome wasn’t built in a day,” as they say, so consider small discussions instead of hours and hours of hashing everything out.
Look for progress and show gratitude with each other when you see it. When a couple feels distant from each other, it doesn't happen overnight, and one talk probably won’t fix everything either.
Bring in an outside source like a chapter of a book that speaks to something important in your relationship, a podcast that really changed how you think about a topic, or a blog that inspires you to talk about some important topics. One person can always share the source with their partner to read/listen to and then discuss later. This might be a good way of discussing topics without creating anxiety in one’s partner.
We all crave closeness with the person that we choose to be a part of our lives. However, our lives get busy and we can become complacent. This happens, and it is normal. Sometimes we need to work to get back to a sense of closeness with each other. Working toward deep connection involves vulnerability. This may seem scary, but no one can be close to someone that they are keeping at arm's length.
*How Do I Get My Partner to Open Up to Me? Psychology Today. January/February 2024 Edition.