I wanted to explore this mysterious term, narcissism, today because I keep seeing it. There are tests on Facebook about “how to tell if you’re dating a narcissist.” Podcasts talk about this term, and sometimes I will hear people tell me that they’ve been accused of being a narcissist because they said no to someone. I have a genuine feeling that this is becoming a buzzword, so let’s take some time to talk about it. There is a nice article by Dr. Marilyn Wedge, in which the history of this term is discussed. Dr. Wedge* says that for the ancient Greeks, the narcissus flower was used to charm Persephone and trick her into hell. In Roman poetry, Narcissus was someone who fell in love with his own reflection in a pond, pining away until he turned into the narcissus flower.
I fear that the term narcissist is becoming synonymous with “jerk.” First of all, let's unequivocally say what it isn’t. Someone isn’t a narcissist because they say no, because they stand up for themselves, or even because they acted rude. Wanting to brag on oneself about an accomplishment, being cocky, and posting too much unrealistically good stuff on Facebook are also not signs that someone is a narcissist. We definitely shouldn’t consider someone to be a narcissist for setting boundaries with others. Sometimes people don’t like it when others set boundaries, but last week I shared a beautiful quote attributed to Prentis Hemphill, which says, “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” When we set boundaries, we prevent ourselves from becoming resentful of others. The flip side of this is that when someone sets boundaries with us, it prevents them from becoming resentful of us.
According to an article on Psychology Today** narcissism is actually more of a spectrum. There are people who show more or less traits and qualities of narcissism than others ranging from very low, all the way up to a clinical diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (which isn’t actually very common). What is the takeaway from this? We can all be self-centered at times to greater or lesser degrees. Most likely, being aware of the fact that we can all behave in a narcissistic manner from time to time is something that can help us grow and reduce this tendency. Think of it like honesty. The most honest people still can’t say that they never lie, but they make an attempt to keep improving themselves and becoming more honest.
Higher levels of narcissism** tend to involve an abnormally high need for recognition, being the center of attention, and expectations of special treatment. Empathy, however, is severely lacking for people with high levels of narcissism. When we think about it, this makes a lot of sense. The narcissistic individual has a grossly inflated sense of their own importance, which makes them undervalue those around them, and it makes it hard for them to imagine that others might also have needs that must be met. The biggest difference between people who are highly narcissistic vs. people who meet the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder tends to come down to the degree in which it interferes with their daily lives and negatively impacts their relationships.
In dealing with an individual who has high levels of narcissistic behavior, arguing often doesn’t work and the key seems to be** setting boundaries. How do we know what are appropriate boundaries, especially if they haven’t been modeled for us? This is tough to answer, but there are a couple of tricks that I can recommend. First of all, ask yourself if you are just setting the boundary out of anger. Anger can cloud our judgment, so setting a permanent boundary while you are furious will either cause you to take it back later (which reduces your credibility about other boundaries you might set) or it can lock you into something that you regret later. Second, ask yourself if you would honestly think it was fair if someone else set that boundary with you. Third, speak openly and honestly to the people in your life who love you enough to tell you if you are being unreasonable, tell them the situation, and gather their opinions about the boundary that you would like to set with someone.
Someone who has high amounts of narcissistic behavior or who actually has a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder can often be hard to deal with, but they can also be dangerous***. When someone lacks the ability to empathize with others, they have little concept of what it really means for that person to hurt. They can and often do cause harm to others close to them, especially romantic partners, causing major damage through emotional and physical abuse.
All of this is intended to point out that the term narcissist shouldn’t be used to the extent that we use words like jerk, or much more colorful ones that I won’t be printing in a blog. In truth, we are all guilty of acting narcissistic from time to time. We shouldn’t panic or deny it when we hear this; instead we should accept it and make an effort to continue our path of self-improvement. We should also recognize that narcissistic behavior is different from calling someone a narcissist; which is to say that there is a difference between what we might do vs. who we are.
*https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/suffer-the-children/201906/brief-history-narcissism
**https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/narcissism
***https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201709/are-narcissists-more-likely-be-abusive