Today I wanted to start sharing some information from another great book that I read called, Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD, by Dr. Eli Lebowitz, and you should assume that any good information or tips that you read here comes directly from the book. Like most of the blogs where I share information from a book, this is divided up into two parts. It is an excellent book with straightforward language and not a lot of mental health jargon. In other words, it was written for parents, not just mental health nerds like myself. A central concept of this book is that an attempt to escape anxiety actually reinforces and creates more anxiety. This is an idea that many people struggle with. Many parents of anxious kids try to help alleviate their child’s anxiety by putting accommodations into place, but often this looks like helping their child avoid things or situations that will bring up feelings of anxiety. Unfortunately, these accommodations can serve to reinforce the anxiety that a child is experiencing.
As we look at the recommendations of this book, please keep in mind that there is not a single one of us who are perfect parents. You may find that you are doing something different than this book recommends, but you won’t be the only one. In fact, most parents of anxious kids put these same types of accommodations in place. Your child isn’t anxious because of you, and blame won’t help you or your child. The book does focus, however, on what parents can adjust or change. The reason isn’t because parents are the problem, it’s actually just because we can only really control ourselves and our choices. By putting these suggestions into place we can give anxious kids the real support that they actually need.
Anxiety shows up as a variety of body sensations, feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. It can be about separation from a caregiver, social situations, general anxiety, phobias, panic, OCD, food intake, or possible illnesses. Therapy and medicines are often very helpful in treating anxiety, and oftentimes professional help is necessary. Many times, parents may feel as though their child’s anxiety is taking over the family, and this might be an indication that you’ve been trying to make accommodations to ease their anxiety, but nothing is actually getting any better. The urge to make things better for our kids is a natural one. Of course we want to protect them, one of the main jobs of parenting is protecting them from danger; however, anxiety isn’t actually dangerous or life-threatening. Unfortunately, when we attempt to protect our child from dealing with anxiety, we inadvertently send the message that these normal feelings are too much for them to deal with, and they need to be protected from the feelings.
A few of the common ways that parents might accommodate their child’s anxiety:
Speaking for them in a restaurant or in public.
Sleeping next to them until the child falls asleep or allowing the child to sleep in the parents’ bed.
Constantly being available to reassure the child throughout the day via phone or text.
Assisting in checking and rechecking homework or safety,
Avoiding going out so that the child doesn’t feel afraid without the parent.
Avoiding certain driving routes, the news, or things the child might see and then become anxious.
Allowing the child to miss school.
Common ways of responding to anxiety in children are protecting or demanding. Let’s talk about protecting first. There are times where kids will feel appropriately anxious and need our help, like if they have a big test coming up and ask for our help in studying. However, many of the fears that highly anxious kids have are misplaced. Their interpretation of the severity of a potential negative outcome is often highly exaggerated. The possibility of being a little embarrassed might look to them like extreme humiliation that will follow them throughout their lives. If we try to protect them from a misplaced fear, we are telling them, “Yes, this is just as bad as you think it is, and I must protect you,” or “You can’t handle this on your own.” Think about what we really want to communicate to our kids when they are feeling anxious. We want them to understand that even though something seems really difficult or scary, they are strong enough to handle these feelings.
Demanding is another common parental response. Demanding often looks like the parent telling the kid not to feel anxious. What is the problem with this? The kid can’t be expected to feel something different than they feel. It also keeps them from feeling heard. It doesn’t matter if a child’s anxiety makes sense or if you think they should have the fears that they have. The reality is that they are anxious. Demanding that they stop being anxious will not stop them from feeling the anxiety; it will just cause them to feel shame. Statements like, “See, I can do this” or “All the other kids are fine right now while you are acting like this” will only serve to make the child feel worse about themself.
By now, some of you may have spotted some common parenting traps that you can relate to in regard to how you respond to your child’s anxiety. Again, there’s no need to feel bad for anything or beat yourself up. Many people do this, or else, Dr. Lebowitz’s book wouldn’t be necessary. As parents, we do the best we can, we keep learning, and we keep trying. Come back next week for the next part of the book.