Most people are familiar with the five stages of grief proposed by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. What most people probably don’t realize, though, is that these stages weren’t originally meant to describe the process of losing someone. Kubler-Ross’s research was about people who were, themselves, dying. Later it was discovered that there were clear similarities to the process that grieving people go through after experiencing a major loss of a loved one. However, the idea that everyone would proceed through these stages the same way (or even in the same order) is simply incorrect. Grief is intensely personal, and it doesn't even mean being sad. Mary-Frances O’Connor calls it learning* and says it, “teaches us how to be in the world without someone that we love in it.” This process has no time limit, and it will even be a very different experience for everyone left behind who shares the loss of a loved one. This can be especially important to know because people can be at different points in their grief, and just because one person seems to be handling things better than another, that doesn’t mean they’re actually alright. Grief is further complicated because the loss of a loved one can also open up old wounds from previous losses. Even when we have effectively found a sense of peace with a previous loss, it is normal to find that this wound can cause us pain all over again while we try to process a new loss.

When a person is grieving there are actual changes*** taking place in the brain, and this can affect memory, thinking, and concentration. This is sometimes referred to as grief brain, and for most people it can be especially intense for up to 6 months. Grief can affect***:

Attention
Memory
Decision-making skills
How quickly we understand information
Effectively expressing ourselves and finding the right words
The brain’s ability to function effectively

Grief includes a variety of emotions, and the experience* of these emotions tends to be significantly more intense than what is normal for an individual. For all of these reasons, when people elude to feeling unable to function while they’re grieving, it’s because their brains actually are having trouble functioning. We tend to instinctively know to cut someone some slack when we know that they are grieving because most of us already know that they’re not as capable as they would normally be.

Again, for most, the difficulties in brain functioning last up to 6 months, but there are those who continue to struggle long past this point. Less than 10% of grieving people* experience prolonged impairment beyond 6 months. These people might experience***:

Prolonged emotional pain
Avoiding reminders of their loved one or of the death
An ongoing feeling that a part of themselves has also died
Numbness
A lack of desire to pursue interests or make plans
A feeling that life is meaningless
Disconnecting from others
Inability to accept that their loved one has died

There is no right way to handle the grieving process. It is a path that looks different for everyone, but it is one that must be walked. The only way out is through. Our connections help us heal, so if you find yourself grieving, turn to those you love for support. If someone you care about is grieving just be with them. Brene Brown says that it's the connections, not the words that make situations better. She goes on to say that instead of trying to cheer her up, she’d rather hear someone say, “I don’t even know what to say right now. I’m just so glad you told me.” If you or someone you care about is having trouble processing the love that continues after losing someone special, know that this is completely normal. If it becomes too much, it might be time to talk to a counselor, but know that it’s normal to not be alright. Of all the references for quotes on grief, one of the most beautiful that I’ve heard comes from Marvel; specifically the show WandaVision. In the end of the show, the character Vision asks, “But what is grief, if not love persevering?”

*https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2021/12/20/1056741090/grief-loss-holiday-brain-healing

**https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/supersurvivors/201707/why-the-five-stages-grief-are-wrong

***https://psychcentral.com/lib/your-health-and-grief#how-grief-affects-the-brain

Sometimes when I’m pushing ahead with something that is making my life more difficult I think of a line from the movie, Blade. Near the end of the movie, the main character says, “Some (people) are always trying to ice skate uphill.” If you’ve seen the movie, you also know that I made that quote a little more “G-rated.” If you happen to be stubborn, you probably also know that you’re stubborn…mostly because people keep calling you that. Another thing that I’m convinced about being stubborn is that other stubborn people drive us crazy. This is probably because they refuse to do things our way, which we all know would make things so much better for everyone. Being stubborn has a negative connotation. This is because we tend to think of how stubbornness creates difficulties in relationships and can lead to heated arguments. I like what Dr. Alice Boyes says in her article for Psychology Today* where she says, “Every quality has plusses and minuses, upsides and downsides.

Stubbornness has its share of positives, and no, I’m not just saying that because I’ve been known to dig my heels in from time to time. Dr. Boyes points out* that being stubborn can lead to creativity because stubborn people are determined to find a way to make their ideas work. I think that it can also be helpful in accomplishing things because stubborn people don’t want to give up when they’ve started something. Most people have heard that Thomas Edison failed 10,000 times in creating a working light bulb before finding success. Maybe there is some exaggeration in this, but there had to be a certain amount of stubbornness in Edison’s character because it was probably tempting to throw in the towel at the 10th failed prototype.

There are also plenty of negatives with being stubborn, though, and these usually show up as adversely impacting relationships. Dr. Boyes has a few suggestions* for keeping some of the negatives associated with stubbornness from interfering with our lives:

Identify who you’re willing to listen to. I may tend to think that I know best, but I also know that I have holes in my knowledge. The phrase, “I don’t care what anyone thinks” is either a mask to hide insecurity, or a foolish way to live. There are plenty of people whose opinions don’t matter, but when it comes to those that we trust and admire, their opinions should matter.
Identify when you’re willing to listen. Maybe there are times when you know that you’re less patient. Maybe you hate unsolicited advice or you know that you’re not likely to listen when you’re extremely frustrated. If you can be clear with others close to you and honest with yourself about when it’s time to ask for help, you can know the circumstances in which you’re most likely to be able to listen
Identify the ways that stubbornness is really just a way of protecting yourself. Dr. Boyes points out that stubbornness can be a response to anxiety or a result of underestimating oneself. Others might be stubborn because they fear being average, so they want to do things their own way. If any of these ring true, some deep reflection is in order.
Identify when your stubbornness is its worst. Knowing which situations trigger you into folding your arms and refusing to budge are important. Maybe there are situations where you know that you will probably be less flexible. If so, you can make a plan ahead of time to work hard at being thoughtful and more open to compromise.
Identify whether your stubbornness might actually be self-sabotage. Some things aren’t a big deal to be rigid about, but if it interferes with your relationships, your work, your health, or your ability to enjoy life, it’s probably causing you harm.

There’s a wonderful cliche that I think is important for all people who are stubborn to keep in mind: “This isn’t a hill to die on.” This phrase evokes a strong visual for me because I imagine a small army taking on a larger enemy. Sometimes the fight is necessary. Many of our books and stories are based on someone fighting for something bigger than themselves. When the fight is necessary, the stubborn person is probably well equipped. The trouble is when we find ourselves fighting battles that don’t actually matter; battles that won’t improve our lives or those of the people we love. Reflection and journaling can be really helpful for figuring out the difference between the battles. Therapy can be helpful for those who continue to struggle.

*https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-practice/202109/are-you-stubborn-try-these-5-tips