I’ve written a lot of blogs that are wrapped up with some version of, “if you are struggling with ____, it could be helpful to start seeing a counselor.” I wanted to go in the opposite direction today, though, and discuss when the work of therapy is done. The amount of time that someone is in counseling varies greatly. Some people have temporary life circumstances that they find a way to manage (or make sense of) in an amount of time that can be measured in weeks or just a couple of months. Others have deep-seated problems in their ability to attach to others or painful past traumas that require years to work through. Sometimes people come in about situational issues and realize that there are some deeper problems weighing on them.

I’ve worked with people who have similar histories or concerns, but I’ve never worked with two people who were dealing with these things in the same way. This means that, unfortunately, I can never tell someone exactly how long they will need to come to therapy. There are too many factors to consider, some of which include the work that a client is doing in the real world between counseling sessions. However, I can safely say that I don’t believe therapy is generally something that will be necessary for the rest of a person’s life. You may notice that I gave counselors some wiggle room by saying “generally,” but my own professional philosophy is that I am meant to be a part of someone’s journey for a season of their life. That season may be long or short, but I do believe that the season is meant to come to an end at some point.

Therapy can end for a variety of positive or negative reasons. If someone feels like their counselor isn’t a good fit or if they believe that they just aren’t making the progress that they should be making, I would strongly encourage an open and honest discussion with their counselor. Those of us in the counseling professions try our best to keep our own egos out of treatment and our job is to help our clients improve the areas of their lives that they want to improve. Sometimes that can even mean a referral to another counselor. However, I have already written before about finding a counselor that is a good fit, so today I want to focus this blog on when therapy has been successful, and it is time to bring it to an end.

A question that should be asked either in the first session or on intake forms is what a client hopes to work on or what they want to get out of counseling. This gives me a direction to go. It also helps me direct the work of therapy onto what the client wants to change in their own lives instead of relying on my opinion about what is important. There may be a variety of techniques and interventions used, but the focus should be on helping people figure out the goals they want to set and then accomplishing those goals. Sometimes goals change in the course of therapy, and I’ve witnessed this many times. New understandings can lead to new concerns, just like acquiring new knowledge tends to make us realize just how much we actually don’t know. Still, even if goals change, the purpose is still to help clients achieve their goals. Why is this important? Because the goal of therapy isn’t to help someone become perfect or fix every problem in their lives. Counseling is supposed to help people function better, but perfection is an impossible standard for anyone. In fact, perfectionism is often a shame-based subject to be addressed in counseling.

When the client and counselor start to see that goals are being met, this is a cause for celebration. When a client sees that the things they’ve been working on in therapy are consistently better (even in the face of challenges), that means that it is time to start discussing a move toward discontinuing services. Typically, we at Restorative Solutions recommend starting to space out appointments at this time. When a client no longer needs weekly sessions, it can be helpful to go to every other week. This allows people an opportunity to use what they’ve learned without weekly appointments, and it still keeps the safety net of counseling services in place. When this continues to go well, it may be time to move to once-a-month sessions. Some people prefer to keep monthly check-ins in place for a long time, while others feel confident in stopping after just a few of these. It varies from person to person. The end of therapy is always ultimately a client’s decision, but I definitely think it is helpful to have this be a collaborative decision between a client and their counselor. It can be a bittersweet part of the journey toward self-improvement, but it is an important and necessary part of the process.

Boundaries are a common topic of discussion with clients. I think this is because there are a lot of misconceptions about boundaries. People might not want to come across as bossy or controlling. They might also worry about hurting someone’s feelings. These worries miss the point, though. Setting boundaries is not about telling someone what to do, and it’s definitely not the same as giving ultimatums. Boundaries are about being clear regarding what we will do and what we won’t do. When we set them, we’re acknowledging that we have no control over others; we can only control ourselves.

The thing that makes setting boundaries so difficult is our own discomfort. In order to set a boundary with you, I have to be willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable as I share that something is bothering me. I then have to be willing to feel uncomfortable watching you hear these things that I’ve shared with you. I don’t know about you, but I tend to dread these types of situations with people that I care about.
“So why in the world would I want to do that?” You might ask. The reason is because boundaries preserve relationships. Just because we don’t make our boundaries clear doesn’t mean that they don’t already exist in our minds. If there is something that habitually upsets you in one of your relationships, it’s because something is happening that goes against your preferences. For example, let’s say that you have a significant other who is frequently late. This can lead to someone feeling undervalued or unimportant. By communicating how this behavior makes you feel, they become aware of it, which allows them the chance to behave in a way that feels more respectful to you. Sometimes we think “I’m just going to let this go.” This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but there is a huge difference between letting something go and just not talking about it. When we decide to let something go, we’re making a decision to work on being content with something. Sometimes this is adaptive. If my friend is a Cubs fan, I will know that they have bad taste, but I can let that go and still enjoy their company. On the other hand, if my friend constantly belittles me or makes degrading comments to me, I probably won’t be able to actually let that go because it will continue to bother me. If I don’t speak up, I will still be upset, and over time this will reduce my desire to be around this friend…until the time comes that I no longer consider them a friend. This is the danger of not setting boundaries. We don’t do it because our feelings get hurt. We do it because when someone crosses our boundaries again and again we start to feel resentment toward that person. This resentment can poison relationships and end them. If we’re clear about boundaries, that doesn’t guarantee that a relationship can survive, but it does give the other person the ability to decide whether they will respect our boundaries or not.

I saw a screenshot of a beautiful example of boundaries. This popped up on Facebook, and I have no idea if it was actually real, but regardless, the example was great. It was a text conversation between an adult daughter and her mother. The adult daughter had shared a brag about her own child. The mother responded with praise about her granddaughter and snuck in a few particularly mean jabs at her own daughter. The daughter responded by reminding her mom that it was unhealthy to be in communication with the mom when she was saying degrading things. She informed her mom that she would block her for the week and would check back in the following week to see if her mom was back to a more stable mood. She ended the text by saying she loved her mom and looked forward to talking to her in a week. I thought this was a great example because the adult daughter didn’t get sucked into an argument or even try to tell her mom what to do. She simply knew that her mom had times where she was mean and hurtful, and she informed her mom that she wasn’t going to put herself in a position to be anyone’s punching bag. She didn’t drop the relationship for good (although sometimes this is appropriate to do). She kept it on terms that were healthy for her.

As much as I admired that example, I have to admit it would be hard. People frequently express worries that setting boundaries will hurt someone’s feelings. This is certainly a consideration since there are many people who do not react well when someone sets a boundary, but remember, boundaries are about our own behavior. For the example above regarding a partner who is frequently late, a boundary might be to say, “Being on time is important to me, so when you’re running more than 10 minutes late, I’m going to allow myself permission to make other plans.” Sometimes a boundary with someone who is hurtful or disrespectful is as simple as, “I’m no longer willing to spend time with you when you hurt me.” It is understandable to worry about hurting someone’s feelings when we set boundaries. Brene Brown addresses this fear in her book, Atlas of the Heart, so I’m going to end this blog with a quote from her work. “I also learned that when you hold someone accountable for hurtful behaviors and they feel shame, that’s not the same as shaming someone. I am responsible for holding you accountable in a respectful and productive way. I’m not responsible for your emotional reaction to that accountability. Sadly, I’ve also learned that sometimes, even when the pain takes your breath away, you have to let the people you love experience the consequences of their own behavior.”