I remember seeing a cartoon a little while back that showed a stick figure person sitting on a toilet and looking at the back of a shampoo bottle. The caption said something like, “When you forget your phone and have to go to the bathroom like it’s the ‘90s.” We’re forgetting how to be bored. What do most people do at the instant that there is some downtime? Grab the phone for a quick check of messages, alerts, or videos. Most of us even do this when we’re watching a show with someone and we press pause so that the other person can run to get a quick drink or snack from the kitchen. I’m happy to admit when I don’t practice what I preach, and I definitely catch myself doing this as well. The intention isn’t to shame anyone, but to bring attention to something that we can all be guilty of.

Those of us who are a little older, though, as in Millennials, Gen X, Baby Boomers, etc have a distinct advantage over the younger generations. We’ve all been that stick figure reading the shampoo bottle. We grew up knowing that sometimes you’re just bored. Younger people, the ones that grew up having the internet in their pockets, grew up doing what they saw their parents doing: checking their phones. They never had to stare out the window during long drives or wait patiently while the movie was paused. True, many of us older individuals have forgotten how to just be present, but we do have some past experience with it.

This blog isn’t intended to be a rant about “kids these days” or “get off my lawn!” Young people are just doing what society is doing, but this does give younger generations some very unique challenges to deal with. According to the *Mayo Clinic, too much screen time can cause multiple problems:

Obesity
Poor sleep or dysregulated sleep schedules
Behavior problems
Delays in language and social skills
Violence
Attention delays
Learning problems

Anecdotally, after working with kids for 18 years, I can say that I’ve noticed that kids who have unregulated screen time tend to show higher anxiety about socializing, have more trouble making and keeping friends, have a harder time attending, stay up very late at night, and often become aggressive or fall apart (emotionally) when they aren’t able to access their devices. I’m a firm believer in finding balance, so I’m not going to say that electronics are evil and should be taken away from all children. I do, however, think that having limits in place isn’t just important, it is necessary.

The *Mayo Clinic reminds us that unstructured free play is exponentially more valuable to a child’s learning than electronics. They suggests the following with adaptations as kids get older:

Little to no media under the age of 2 other than video chatting (like Facetime with a grandparent)
An hour or less of quality media per day between ages 2-5
Emphasizing kindness in electronic communication as well as in-person
Pre-screening videos, games, and other media before allowing access to your child
Seek out interactive options for online media instead of passive options
Use parental locks and filters
Keep kids close while they access media
Ask kids routinely about what they’re viewing and see if they have questions
Watch media with them and engage them with questions and observations
Have screen free zones or times of day
Don’t allow distracting media during homework time
Have weekly limits and curfews for use of devices
Keep phones/devices out of kids rooms at night and insist that they plug in outside of their rooms

I’m not going to suggest that I know what is best for other families in terms of when kids should be given a phone or what limits should be put into place. Limits should be well thought out according to the needs of individual families and kids. My two-cents about the main things to consider would be: 1. Kids need sleep (different amounts at different ages) and screen time limits should reflect this. 2. Non-texting/messaging interactions with family and peers is important and should be emphasized. 3. Video games and social media should not be considered coping strategies for kids…they are escapes, not strategies that help kids learn to cope. 4. If on evenings after school or on weekends they spend more time on a device than not, it is probably too much.

*https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/childrens-health/in-depth/screen-time/art-20047952

Last week I started sharing information from the book, Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD by Dr. Eli Lebowitz. If you haven’t read that yet, I encourage you to go and check it out before reading today’s blog. Two main topics were brought up last week: Accommodating a child’s anxiety (making adjustments that are designed to prevent them from feeling anxious) tends to actually reinforce feelings of anxiety instead of helping, as well as the idea that both protective and demanding language that we might use with anxious kids might be doing more harm than good.

I want to start today by talking about language first. Dr. Lebowitz encourages supportive language instead of protective or demanding. When we use supportive language, we are being accepting of the child and their difficulties surrounding anxiety as well as showing confidence in their ability to handle the anxiety. Supportive language requires both pieces.

Demanding language often comes across as harsh and impatient because the parent thinks, “Come on, this isn’t a big deal, just get over it.” Before any of you “demanders” get upset with yourself, consider that this is coming from a place of confidence in your child. Demanding language is used because parents know their kid can handle the anxiety that they are feeling. However, demanding isn’t very accepting.

Protective language is used by parents who understand that their child is dealing with something incredibly difficult, and are afraid of what these feelings are doing to their child. This type of language is very accepting and understanding of their child’s pain. However, this type of language doesn’t show much confidence in the child’s ability to handle their anxious feelings. Supportive language uses the best of both types. Instead of either saying, “Oh, wow! I see that this is really overwhelming for you.” or “You can handle this.” Supportive language says, “Oh, wow! I see that this is really overwhelming for you, and I know that you can handle this.” Before making any adjustments in accommodations, it is recommended that you spend at least a couple of weeks concentrating on using supportive language. Why? Not because it will give them warm fuzzies. Using supportive language sets the stage of understanding and confidence that will be necessary to start removing accommodations.

In the beginning of last week’s blog I mentioned that the book only focuses on changes that parents can make, not on changes that kids are expected to make. Remember, you can only control you, and you can’t control your child or their feelings. The book recommends that parents sit down and write out the different accommodations that they are making before proceeding. Write them all down, even if you aren’t completely certain if it counts as an accommodation. It is best to start out concentrating on one accommodation that you plan to remove or adjust. This accommodation should preferably be one that happens frequently. Consider whether the accommodation would be best discontinued completely or if it would be best to reduce it in some way at the start. Writing this down and making a very thorough plan will allow you to think through possible reactions from your child, difficulties in implementing the plan, or anything else that you could anticipate. When your plan is in place (and you’ve been using supportive language for a couple of weeks about your child’s experience with anxiety) it is time to let them know your plan. Informing them about what to expect is important because this will be a big and difficult change for your child, and it is only fair that they know what to expect from you and why you are doing it. When explaining the plan to your child, it is important to use supportive language and concentrate on what YOU will be doing. This plan isn’t about what you expect from your child, it is about what they can expect from you. It isn’t important that they approve of the plan, in fact, they probably won’t. They may have valuable input, so being willing to listen to their ideas is a good idea, but you are the parent, so you will make the final decision about this plan. Upon implementation, they may react strongly. In times of high stress the book points out that we often go into fight or flight, so don’t be surprised if your child becomes uncharacteristically argumentative or aggressive. Continue to show support, but don’t back down from your plan in the face of this because it will show your child that this type of behavior can change your mind in the future.

If you see a potential benefit to following and implementing the plan from this book, I highly encourage you to go ahead and read it. It is significantly more thorough than this brief overview, and it is an easy read. You can find it easily online, but don’t forget it is also free through the library. If you happen to have read this and don’t think that you are making any accommodations for your anxious child, give it a read anyway because it can help you understand your child’s point of view a little better. However, I stated previously that parents don’t create their child’s anxiety, and I stand by that statement. Just because your child is anxious doesn’t actually mean that you are accommodating it, and even if you are, you’re not responsible for their anxiety. Whether or not accommodations are happening in your home, your child may benefit from working with a counselor as they learn to deal with their anxiety. Anxiety is highly treatable through both counseling and medication. Some people are naturally more anxious than others, but anxiety is a universal part of the human experience. Being anxious doesn’t have to mean that a person is miserable.