As I struggle to find a clever way to start this blog, I can’t help reflecting on the idea that it seems hypocritical to write about being a good parent, while simultaneously knowing that I don’t have it all figured out. I’m currently thinking of all of the times that I’ve screwed up as a parent in just the last week. To all the parents out there, who are doing the best they can, and still falling short, I’m with you; I’m one of you. There is a big difference between knowing what research says is the ideal way to parent, and actually being an ideal parent. Parenting is hard. There is SO much riding on it. I want to make it clear that I am not writing this blog as a perfect parent, telling everyone else how to do it right. I’m writing as someone who loves his kids, messes up, and wants to share a few things that might be helpful to other parents.
One important thing to keep in mind is that we can’t reasonably expect kids to act or perform in a way that is beyond their developmental stage. The Centers for Disease Control has a great informational page about developmental milestones, growth, and behavior, which can be found at https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/childdevelopment/facts.html. Expecting more out of kids than they are actually capable of is a recipe for frustration for both parent and child.
Being a parent is equal parts overwhelm, love, fear, joy, anger, and fulfillment. When our kids do something we don’t approve of, we fret and worry about what this means for their future…even when they are only three years old at the time. When our kids make us proud, we swell up with love so big we feel like we could burst with joy. It is an emotional roller coaster, and most of us know that strong emotions can lead to poor decisions. When a parent finds themselves losing control of their emotions, here are some important things to consider:
Walk away when you need to. You might find an answer to the problem, or you might be able to handle discipline more calmly.
Taking deep breaths is not a cliché. Be slow and intentional with your breathing, and make an effort to exhale even slower than you inhale. It will calm your body and emotions.
Remember that not every problem behavior is a sign of a doomed future. Kids make mistakes just like we did and just like we do.
When you think your child is just looking for attention, reframe it as looking for connection, and see if your attitude changes.
Behavior is communication. Sometimes our children are trying to show us that they have unmet needs through behavior.
Sometimes the behaviors that drive us up the wall the most are the behaviors we fear or resent in ourselves. Look deep within yourself to discover why a certain set of behaviors trigger you. Understanding this can help you respond proactively instead of just reacting.
A parent’s own mental health factors play a role in how they react. A child with ADHD or other conditions that affect impulse control can easily frustrate the adults in their lives from time to time. It is worth noting that there is a strong genetic link with many mental health diagnoses, and oftentimes this link is with a parent. Consider that if your child has a lot of difficulty controlling their impulses, the two of you might just have something in common. A colleague of mine is fond of saying that people with ADHD experience many things at level 10 (on a scale of 1-10). This isn’t just kids. Adults with ADHD are also typically experiencing many situations at a higher level of emotion than others. A parent who is aware of this can learn to approach situations in a way that keeps them from overreacting.
An important thing to constantly remind yourself of is that you love your kids. This might sound ridiculous because, of course you know you do. It is easy to get worked up in the moment, but think about how you feel shortly after you react while upset. Typically, after the initial emotional moment has subsided, parents feel regret over things that were said, how they raised their voice, and it often puts the situation into a context that starts to feel more manageable. Kids learn from our actions, but they also learn from our attempts to make it right when we make mistakes. It is good to talk to kids when we know we’ve made a mistake or have been too harsh with them. Sometimes we cause harm with our words or actions. Taking time to repair this damage can actually strengthen your relationship with your kids. It shows them that they are important to you and worth the effort to reconnect with. It also shows them how to make repairs when they make mistakes in the future.