There is something exciting and refreshing about midnight when New Year’s Eve gives way to January 1. There’s a big countdown, the ball drops, and sometimes there’s even someone to kiss. When we wake up the next day, the year is young and full of possibilities. We think, “This year I’m going to…(you fill in the blank).” Many people make New Year’s Resolutions, and most don’t keep them. For example, the most common resolution is to get in shape, lose weight, or some variation of the two. Ask any of the regulars at a gym the worst time of year to be there, and they will say January. Ask them the best time of the year to be there, and they’ll say February. This doesn’t actually have to happen. I know this because I see people make changes in themselves all the time, so I know that people can meet their goals.

Dr. Michael Alcee recently wrote an article* for Psychology Today talking about New Year’s Resolutions. He suggests the following:

Let the process fire your results. This is brilliant because a focus on results leaves little to no room for mistakes that can actually be important for growth. When I see change in my clients, I don’t usually see drastic changes that pop up after a certain number of sessions. Usually, I tend to see steady growth (whether it is drastic or slow) with setbacks along the way that can actually become learning experiences.
Shrink your year. Break the year into quarters with attainable objectives in each. A year is a long time, and it is far too easy to procrastinate into a standstill until the resolutions are forgotten.
Find the right accountability partner. It can be helpful to have an accountabili-buddy because then people can hold each other to a chosen standard.

Dr. Carol Dweck literally wrote the book on mindset…because her book is called Mindset. It is an amazing book that I recommend to anyone, and she shows the difference between fixed and growth mindsets. Fixed mindset individuals mostly assume that talent and innate abilities decide success, while growth mindset individuals believe that they can always improve. When a fixed mindset person has a setback, they might assume that they’ve failed or aren’t good enough. When a growth mindset person messes up, they keep going, knowing that they can meet their goals if they keep putting in the work. They also know that they can learn something from whatever didn’t go well. The way that this applies to New Year’s Resolutions is also something that Dr. Alcee discusses in his article. The change process is full of challenges, setbacks, and failed attempts, but when someone embraces the challenges as a part of the road to change, they can look at these setbacks without seeing complete failure.

Many people have heard of SMART goals, (specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-based) and honestly, I’ve never been to a training on this that was any fun. However, just because the topic makes for a boring lecture, that doesn’t mean that there is nothing to learn from the acronym. Goals, or in this case, New Year’s Resolutions can be easier to meet by using this criteria. If you want to learn another language, it might be better to say that you’d like to learn 50 Spanish words before the end of March. Instead of saying that you want to go to the gym more, it might be more helpful to say that you want to have a pattern of going to the gym between 4:00 and 5:00 every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday until St. Patrick’s Day. It would also help to recognize that there will be conflicts that prevent this on some days, and that is not a sign of a problem. Maybe your SMART goal is that you’d like to make sure to check the Restorative Solutions Counseling Facebook page every Thursday evening during the month of January in order to catch our blog. If so, I like how you think!

The last tip for resolution success I’d like to mention is matching your New Year’s Resolutions to your values. It is hard to come up with values sometimes, so at the risk of sounding morbid, consider what you would like said about you at your funeral. Whatever you want others to think of you at the end is a good indication of the direction that you want to steer your life. If your doctor tells you to lose 30 pounds, that might not be very motivating. However, if your value is family and time with loved ones, losing that 30 pounds might lead to more quality time with loved ones and more time with them in the future. This is much more motivating than worrying about someone griping at you during your once-a-year appointment. Please keep in mind that people make important changes all the time. There may be something special about the idea of making and keeping a New Year’s Resolution, but there can also be a lot of pressure associated with it. There’s no reason not to start working on your goals today.

*https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/live-life-creatively/202212/how-not-screw-your-new-years-resolutions

“It’s the most wonderful time of the year.” When Christmas songs start playing on the radio, this is one that we hear over and over again. It is a classic, it is iconic, it is peppy and matches the mood for many people. As Thanksgiving ends, and many start moving toward the holiday season, this particular line rings true for many people. However, this season can also hold a lot of pain for people who have experienced wounds. Christmas is an interesting holiday because it is a religious holiday that has been adopted by society at-large to the point that it is widely celebrated by people who don’t identify as Christians, or even as religious. There are also huge numbers of people who celebrate other holidays that happen at the end of the year, but the assumption by many is that Christmas is THE holiday. Some people even get mad at suggesting otherwise or that it can be a difficult time for some. All of these points combine to make this a tricky topic to write about. This is an important topic, so how do I structure this blog in a way that doesn’t trigger the past trauma of some, alienate people who don’t celebrate or who celebrate other holidays, or anger people who feel there is a “war on Christmas?”

There are people who do love the holidays, but feel a sense of pain triggered by loss through death or disconnection from loved ones. These individuals would love to embrace the holiday season, but feel a cloud hanging over this time of year. Frankly, it is helpful for others to know that this is the case so that they don’t think of these people as a Scrooge or a humbug. In fact, these individuals generally need the care and support of others, whether that comes from family, friends, or community support.

Some people may have feelings of resentment toward this time of year for any number of reasons, and can potentially feel lonely because of this. These people don’t want someone to fix them or try to force them to enjoy the season. This may cause them to feel further isolated. They may be avoiding stores or crowds because it feels like it is all just too much. They may crave connections, but they may have some ground rules for those connections, which will need to be respected.

There are also large numbers of people that LOVE the end-of-the-year holiday season, regardless of which holidays they celebrate, who nonetheless end up feeling stressed by it. This stress and frustration can happen because of how busy things become due to holiday parties, school performances, family get-togethers, etc. Stress has a way of zapping the joy right out of a time of year that they thoroughly enjoy. It makes sense that it would be helpful to recommend coping strategies so that people can actually feel present and able to enjoy themselves

Regardless of the reason, the end of the year can often be a difficult time for people. If you happen to be one of those individuals, there is a wide variety of tips from the Mayo Clinic* that could be helpful:

Acknowledge your feelings. One of the things that makes adult emotions so complicated is the sense that we “should” feel something different than we feel. Emotions don’t listen to reason or logic, and they are powerful. If you feel an emotion that is uncomfortable, there is probably a reason for its presence. Trying to force yourself to feel something different won’t change that.
Reach out. We all need support from time to time. That doesn’t make us weak. If you are having a hard time, it is useful to lean on someone else. I often hear people say that they don’t want to be a burden to a friend or loved one. My response is usually to ask if they would feel burdened if someone they love were to ask them for support.
Be realistic. Time changes all things, and sometimes this includes traditions or gatherings. Striving for making things perfect is also a recipe for disappointment. Being flexible with our expectations and our plans can help us to not be overwhelmed when things don’t turn out perfectly, or when traditions naturally change.
Set aside differences. If you’re holding onto a grudge, ask yourself if that grudge is actually hurting you. If the answer is yes, the next question to ask yourself is why it’s worth holding onto.
Stick to a budget. This is an expensive time of year filled with impulsive spending. Deciding ahead of time how much you plan to spend on the holidays and then sticking to that plan will keep you from having regrets later. Also, keep in mind that times are tough for a lot of us right now. Spending less on others doesn’t mean you’re letting people down.
Plan ahead. Getting organized is easier said than done, but using a calendar (digital, paper, or on the fridge) can help you plan out tasks. Procrastination leads to increased anxiety.
Learn to say no. Resentments usually come from not setting clear boundaries with others. Sometimes we have to say no even if we risk disappointing someone.
Don’t overindulge. Indulge some, but don’t give yourself regrets. If you have goals that you’ve been working toward, it can be easy to lose sight of them during the holidays. One quick tip, most of those cookies will freeze for later.
Take a break. If you feel you don’t have time for a break, it is even more important to take one. Slow down, sit back, and breathe. The stress will still be waiting for you when you’re done, but you will be better equipped to handle it.
Seek mental health treatment if you need it. When stress moves beyond difficulty and starts to interfere with your life and your functioning, it is time to ask for help from a professional.

If you happen to be someone that loves and thoroughly enjoys the holidays without getting overly stressed, that’s great news. Just please remember that it isn’t quite as easy for some people. When you come across someone who has a hard time during the holiday season, maybe you can offer some support and caring to help make this time a little better for them.

*https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/stress/art-20047544