I didn’t exactly want to write another blog about making and keeping New Year’s resolutions. I did one on that topic last year, and while I’m not above repeating myself, that isn’t what I want to talk about this week. Still, I can’t help but be a little intrigued about why so many of us start thinking about resolutions when the calendar flips over. It seems like this is a good time for us to collectively evaluate where we are and where we want to be. If you’re not satisfied with where you are right now, you’re in good company. Most of us aren’t. Isn’t that the point, though? Aren’t we supposed to keep learning and growing as we move forward on our journey of life?
Often, I hear people say that they are feeling stuck, and this is never described as a good thing. Staying still and not growing doesn’t feel comfortable. You’d think it would be because growth is challenging and often stressful, but the alternative seems to be even more distressing. It’s all very tricky. Growth involves stepping outside of our comfort zone, which is inherently anxiety-provoking. Being stagnant is firmly in the comfort zone, but we start to feel like we’ve outgrown the space after a while, and the comfortable begins to lose its comfort.
This is why we work so hard to set those pesky resolutions each year. We want to grow and avoid being stagnant. We tell ourselves we’re going to be tough and challenge ourselves. We say, “This year is my year.” However, most resolutions are forgotten about by the time that January is over. There’s a whole host of reasons why New Year’s resolutions fail, and a quick google search will offer a ton of reasons why they do. It’s very disappointing when they do fail, though, because oftentimes the person feels like a failure instead of just accepting that they didn’t reach a goal.
I’ve written previously about the difference between goals and values. Goals can be reached. They are a destination on the map. Values can’t be reached because they are the direction we are headed. Our values can direct us toward goals that we want to reach and then beyond, but living a life that honors our values means that we’re never finished. Resolutions are usually goals. They matter, but they are temporary.
I’m going to suggest something a little drastic this year, and that is to rip up your New Year’s resolutions. “But I just laminated them!” you might say. Well, my suggestion is that we all dig a little deeper than resolutions. If someone really wants to know what is important to them, often we need to look far into the future. In fact, though it may sound a little morbid, a surefire recommendation for pinpointing your values is to think about what you would like said about you at your funeral. Too dark? Fine, just consider what you’d like said about you in a toast at your 90th birthday. This helps us to start to figure out what is important to us in the totality of our lives. I’ve had people argue with me that their values can change throughout their lives, and that is certainly true. Basing your values on what you would like to be said about you at the end of your life is limited by the fact that we don’t yet have the life experience that we will when we’re very old; however, this exercise isn’t about locking yourself into a rigid set of inflexible moral codes and values. It’s about considering what is ultimately important based on the life experience you’ve had so far.
Once you’ve done the work of figuring out your values, consider what you’d like to accomplish in the next year, five years, or decade and work backwards to determine what needs to be accomplished and when. For example, let’s say that my value is to have a lot of quality time with my family. Maybe this also means that I want to be healthy enough to have a wide variety of experiences with my wife and children, and I want to do what I can to avoid any health-related limits on my time with them. Maybe it also means that I want to be able to play on the ground with any future grandkids that I may have. This might cause me to take a closer look at my current blood pressure and body mass index and decide if the track that I’m currently on will start to limit me in the areas that I’ve decided are ultimately important to me. Maybe this causes me to take a look at my current schedule and find times in which working out can easily fit into the schedule. When I tell myself that I don’t really want to go on a certain day, I’ll need to respond that unless I have a very good reason, I’ll be ignoring my values if I stay home. Maybe it will also cause me to give some thought to how much fast food I eat and whether this will continue to cause more weight gain and other health problems. When I think to myself about stopping at the drive through, I will need to consider whether or not that fits the values that are important to me. Can you see how different this whole way of thinking is than: “I want to lose weight this year” or “I need to start going to the gym”
Resolutions have their place, but they often don’t work out, and we’re left with a sense of shame and self criticism. When we want to make real changes in ourselves, we need to dig deep for reasons that matter more than which belt loop we use. Real change means accepting that the process will be difficult, but it is worth it knowing that we are making steps in the direction of what is really important to us.