Something that I’ve noticed about us humans is that most of us try to be nice. Given the opportunity to help someone or be kind, we tend to take it. Of course it depends on the situation, the context, and the other people involved, but in spite of the many times that I’ve seen someone do something crappy, I will still die on this hill. We can be incredibly cruel in groups at times, but individual people, I believe, will tend more toward kindness than nastiness. This is mostly because in my job I’ve come to believe that people are generally doing the best they can.
On the other hand, many people tend to actually speak pretty hatefully about one person–themselves. I try to be honest in these blogs, so I’ll definitely admit that I do this very same thing. Ask yourself how often you think, “Oh, I’m an idiot,” “That was stupid of me,” or “I suck! There’s no way I can do this.” “So what’s the big deal?” you might ask. Well, our words have power, and the things that we think to ourselves influence the way that we see ourselves. The things we say about ourselves can also limit us. It turns out that negative self talk* is associated with an increased risk of psychological disorders, increased stress, and less success. It can also affect our relationships, and here’s where I’ve watched this happen: The things that we criticize ourselves about the most can become the things that make us self-conscious. When we perceive someone (especially someone important to us) criticizing us about an area in which we are self-conscious we often become defensive. For example, let’s say that I am very self-conscious about the idea that someone might think I’m dumb, and maybe every time I make a mistake I start calling myself stupid. All it might take from someone important to me is a certain look that I perceive as condescending or doubting me to throw me into a fit, yelling “Don’t look at me like I’m an idiot!” It could also cause me to retreat, instead, thinking that I don’t belong and don’t measure up. If I start to work on being kinder to myself, I may not feel the need to have such defensive reactions with others.
There are many things that we can do to start making our self-talk more positive. The first thing is something I’ve mentioned a lot before, which is to practice** gratitude. By stopping each day to reflect on the things for which we’re grateful we can start to develop a more positive outlook and start to see more of what is good in our lives instead of a focus on what we think is bad. After we do this we can start a series of steps* to deal with our negative self-talk:
Catch your inner critic. This sounds basic, but the first step is simply becoming aware of how often we say negative things about ourselves.
Remind yourself that thoughts are what pass through our minds, but they are not facts. We’re wrong all the time about lots of things, so it helps to acknowledge that we can also be wrong about the things we think about ourselves.
Give your inner critic a nickname to start to see it as separate from you.
Put limits on how much time you’re allowed to be negative toward yourself in a given day.
If you’re having trouble being positive, try being neutral instead of negative (instead of “I suck at this,” try “I’m really not great at this.”)
Check the facts and cross-examine the things your negative voice is actually saying about you.
Think like a friend. You’re almost certainly a lot more kind to your friends when they struggle than you are when you do, so try to speak to yourself the way you would speak to them.
Shift your perspective and ask yourself how much the thing you’re criticizing yourself really matters in the long run…will it matter in 5 years?
Say them out loud by either telling a friend what you’re saying about yourself or even say it instead of thinking it–this shows you that the thing you’re thinking in your mind is a little ridiculous when you hear it out loud.
Visualize a stop sign to get yourself to stop when you realize your thoughts toward yourself are turning cruel.
Start to replace the negative thoughts with some positive ones.
I think we all do this from time to time, though some people are definitely meaner to themselves than other people are. If this sounds like you, please remember that studies show that people like you much more than you assume they do. Even if you think you’re just the worst, chances are that plenty of people disagree. Life is hard enough without beating up on ourselves.
*https://www.verywellmind.com/negative-self-talk-and-how-it-affects-us-4161304