This week I was reading an article in the July/August Psychology Today Magazine about heavyweight boxer Deontay Wilder. This article was prompted by a moment in the ring in which he began to cry out of concern for a fellow boxer whom he had just knocked out. In the article he shares his thoughts about vulnerability, and he even discussed his theory that crying is a form of cleansing his body to remove the bad and make room for some good. While I was reading the article, I realized that the reason it was written was because Wilder is somewhat of an oddity. This turned my thinking to the buzzword, “toxic masculinity.” In a psychcentral.com** article, Taneasha White defines toxic masculinity as, “A set of behaviors and values that are connected to a traditional and potentially antiquated understanding of gender roles.” Masculinity is not bad or wrong, just like femininity is neither bad or wrong. However, a toxic view of masculinity considers femininity to be associated with weakness, and it also implies that this is bad. This view puts masculinity and femininity in two distinct categories and implies that one is better than the other. It simultaneously undervalues women as well as men who don’t conform to a narrow view of what is masculine.
Going back to the article about Deontay Wilder, there is definitely a lingering notion that crying is weak or feminine. I feel compelled to admit that I’m not writing this blog from the top of a soapbox. In truth, I’m sometimes guilty of old fashioned notions of masculinity too. I’ve been professionally encouraging people to share their emotions for 18 years now, but I was still raised in the same society, and it is hard to openly express emotions like sadness or fear. I want my boys to be able to feel comfortable fully expressing their feelings and emotions, but I still hold the notion that I can’t because I’m supposed to be the rock of my family. It is stupid…I know it’s stupid, even in the moment. Yet, it persists. We can’t really put all the blame on society, though. In reality, we’re all responsible for allowing these notions to persist through our behaviors and expectations. A good place to start is by asking ourselves to examine our own views a little more deeply and questioning them. For instance, ask yourself how you would feel about a boy in dance class or if a boy cries after striking out in little league. Maybe some would argue that they don’t want anyone to throw a fit on the ball field, regardless of gender, but the way that we communicate to that child can either show the importance of game etiquette or continue narrow views of masculinity.
Toxic masculinity** is associated with an expectation of toughness, a sense that feelings and emotions equal weakness, and it often results in discrimination. This is what makes Deontay Wilder such an oddity. Wilder is in touch with his feelings and not afraid to publicly express them, he discusses (in the article) how he checks on his fellow boxers and makes sure that they feel loved, he makes his daughter his priority (providing for her was the reason he started boxing), and he is obviously tough. He was the WBC boxing heavyweight champ for 5 years, so we know he is physically tough. But when we really look at the bravery it takes for him to be so open with his feelings in a traditionally masculine sport, we see another type of toughness as well.
Taken to extremes**, a rigid and toxic view of masculinity can result in sexism and discrimination. After all, if someone believes that masculinity is superior to femininity, their actions will reflect this. However, due to the way that this toxicity has permeated society, women can also be guilty of judging men who are less traditionally masculine or women who are less traditionally feminine. It’s presence in our society is significantly more harmful in criminal situations like rape, where women are often asked about their behaviors prior to an attack–as though they somehow held some level of responsibility for being assaulted.
It also appears** that individuals who hold more toxic views of masculinity are more likely to have higher levels of depression, anxiety, hostile behaviors, and mental health problems. A poll in 2015 showed that up to 9% of men have depression and anxiety, but fewer than half of them ever seek mental health treatment to help them deal. I don’t know about the chicken and egg factor between poor mental health and toxic masculinity, which is to say that I don’t know what impacts what. Most likely, these two things tend to reinforce each other.
The good news is that hope is out there. It starts** with questioning one’s own views of masculinity. White suggests asking yourself the following questions:
Have I ever denied myself something because I felt it was feminine?
Have I judged someone else for not being masculine enough?
Have I found myself adhering to any of the potentially harmful behaviors from above?
Regardless of how you answered these questions, there is no need for shame. Shame is a motivation zapper, and doesn’t help us make positive changes. Learning to be happy with yourself and finding peace in who you are can help you figure out where you want to be. White also suggests starting to challenge those that value your opinion. Don’t be afraid to engage in respectful arguments about what is right. Every one of us can always do better. Growth and maturity can and should be a lifelong process.
*Psychology Today Magazine August 2023, article: Pulling No Punches by Tyler Woods
**https://psychcentral.com/health/toxic-masculinity#what-it-is