I was recently finishing another great book and thought to myself that I’d like to write a blog about my favorite self-help/personal growth books. Then it hit me that my partners are avid readers as well, and together, we could probably come up with a pretty amazing list. Going by alphabetical order of our first names, Lois wins the first blog. Below is a list of some of her favorite books to recommend.

Love and Aspergers, by Kate Mcnulty, LCSW. This book was written by a therapist who discovered, through her own research on high functioning autism, that she actually had high functioning autism (formerly known as Asperger’s). This book is written for couples in which one person is neurodivergent (or on the autism spectrum), while the other is neurotypical (not on the autism spectrum). One of Lois’s favorite takeaways from this book is the Communication Matrix. Imagine a big plus sign, and at the top is written the word Kind while the bottom has the word Unkind. The left side of the plus features the word Honest while the right side has the word Dishonest. Couples for whom one of them is neurodivergent often have a very different way of thinking and experiencing the world around them. Those who are neurodivergent can also be very literal in their communication and unable to read subtleties and pick up on hints. The matrix encourages people to think about the things they say, and phrase honest statements in a way that is kind because it respects both the person who is speaking and the person who is receiving the information. Lois says that the underlying message of this book is that everyone can learn, grow, and change. It gives some great action steps to help allow positive changes to happen.
The Upward Spiral, by Dr. Alex Korb. This is a great book that is centered around the idea that depression doesn’t have one cause, but instead has a series of interrelated negative influences that create a downward spiral. Conversely, the way out of depression is through relying on a series of interrelated positive changes that create an upward spiral. Lois really likes how this book points out that there are roadblocks in the depressed brain that make it hard to overcome habits and behaviors, and that being mad at ourselves isn’t helpful for creating change. In this book, Dr. Korb lists many different actions that can create an upward spiral by influencing other actions that we can take as well. We actually have a whole blog series about this book on our website too.
You Can’t Make Me, by Dr. James Ball. Lois says that this book is all about working toward positive changes that parents would like to see in their kids. There are great examples and situations listed throughout the book, and Lois says that this book does a great job of helping parents understand their child’s point of view. It helps parents identify possible triggers for their children as well as some unspoken expectations that parents may actually be holding. Lois really likes how this book discusses the importance of relationships between parents and their children and helps parents to examine the function of their child’s behavior. Understanding the “why” behind a child’s behavior can help parents craft meaningful consequences and effective discipline. In doing so, this book helps parents to look at their own behaviors to understand that they are also responsible for making changes in themselves in order to encourage positive changes in their children.
It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok, by Megan Devine. This is one of Lois’s favorites on the topic of grief. It is written by a therapist who’s husband passed away. This book discusses how death is viewed in the U.S. and points out some of the stupid things that others say to people who are grieving (most likely with good intentions). It talks about what life is like after a loved one passes and effectively addresses the impact of anxiety on the grieving process. Lois was especially moved by the description of grief because the author says that it isn’t about recovery, moving on, or going back to normal. Others may not see the wounds that remain after the loss of a loved one. The devastation may always exist beneath the healing that occurs, but this doesn’t mean that a person will always be broken. Instead of moving on, the author encourages the reader to think of grieving as “moving with.”
Will I Ever Be Good Enough–Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, by Dr. Kayrl McBride. Lois found this book to be eye opening to the concept that some mothers actually view their daughters as competition. This book features a questionnaire that helps readers determine if their mothers actually have narcissistic traits. It helps people to recognize when there is a problem, understand how it affects their life, and then understand how to end this legacy. It also helps the reader figure out how to move forward with a narcissistic mother in their lives as an adult. Lois found it particularly insightful that the author makes a point to help the reader realize that there isn’t a way for anyone to win their mother’s love. This is important because we can’t earn anyone’s love. We can only accept love from those that are able to offer it.

I hope you enjoyed this list of great recommendations from Lois. Come back next week to find out about another one of our partner’s suggestions.

We’ve all been sick from time to time. Usually it’s not more than an inconvenience, but it’s never pleasant. Even a mild cold gives you a runny nose that becomes a little more sensitive with every tissue that you use. Being sick can affect our moods too because it's upsetting to feel bad. However, what if the sickness lingers? What if it will be with us for months, years, or potentially throughout our lives? Chronic illnesses*** are ones that last a very long time, and sometimes they can’t be fully cured. It probably shouldn’t be surprising that ⅓ of all people with chronic illnesses will also have a diagnosis of depression. For those with chronic pain, **35%-45% will have depression.

When we’re talking about chronic illnesses*, we’re talking about things like:

Alzheimer's disease
Autoimmune diseases
Cancer
Heart disease
Diabetes
Epilepsy
HIV/AIDS
Hypothyroidism
Multiple sclerosis
Parkinson's disease
Stroke

For those that are diagnosed with a life-changing illness or condition, previously enjoyed* activities may lose their appeal, or in some cases, may prove difficult or impossible. It can be especially difficult for children diagnosed with a chronic illness. Growing up is hard under the best of circumstances. Adding a chronic illness can affect all parts of their development, and it can create difficulty for the entire family. This stress puts these kids at a much higher risk for mental illnesses, especially depression.

This sounds bad enough, right? The problems actually become more complicated* from here because just as deteriorating physical health can negatively impact one’s mental health, mental health conditions have a negative impact on physical health. Depression*** can worsen pain and side effects that are already present with chronic physical illnesses. This becomes a vicious cycle that gets worse over time. Which is why it is important to treat both together.

Major warning signs of depression*** include:

An extended period of down mood and a loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities
Changes in eating–much more or less than usual
Changes in sleeping–much more or less than usual
Difficulty concentrating
Reduced ability to feel emotions
Fatigue
Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
Frequent or persistent thoughts of suicide

Depression and many mental illnesses are typically treated through medication, talk therapy/counseling, or both together. For someone who has a chronic illness or condition, it is normal to have a hard time adjusting. Feeling sad is common because a person may have to grieve the loss of the way that parts of their lives have always been. When these sad feelings intensify and persist for more than a couple of weeks, it is possible that this persistent sadness is starting to turn into depression*. Depression is, however, treatable. As you work through treating your physical health, don’t neglect the importance of good mental health practices like:

Eating the right amounts of healthy foods
Getting enough quality sleep
Get sufficient movement and/or exercise
Mindfulness practice
Building up and practicing good coping skills
Counseling and medical treatment of mental health conditions

It is important to rally support behind you and be willing to ask for help if you find yourself dealing with a chronic condition. Learning to come to terms with and living with the changes that occur from a chronic condition make a real difference in one’s ability to cope. I remember advice that I heard a counselor tell a group of people who were struggling. This counselor was in a wheelchair after a car accident when he was a teen. He told the group that he had learned a long time ago that the list of things that people could do was massive. He could concentrate on the things that he was no longer able to do, but that just made him sad. He found it to be empowering to re-adjust his focus to the remaining, still massive, list of things that he could still do.

*https://nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/chronic-illness-mental-health

**https://www.psychiatry.org/News-room/APA-Blogs/Chronic-Pain-and-Mental-Health-Interconnected

***https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/9288-chronic-illness-and-depression